


Inhale, Exhale

by s_solo



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Emotional Roller Coaster, Eventual Smut, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Grief/Mourning, Love/Hate, Major character death - Freeform, Mature Emotional Content, Minor Finn/Rey, Minor hints/thoughts of self-harm, More angst, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Questionable Mental Health, Seriously even more angst, Slow Burn, This isn't going to go the way you think, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-10
Updated: 2018-06-08
Packaged: 2019-04-21 00:02:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 37,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14272443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/s_solo/pseuds/s_solo
Summary: “What’s going to happen to me?” she whispered. Pain flashed in his eyes for a split second before he broke her gaze and turned away.“Yours will be the final execution.”Rey’s heart sank into her stomach. She didn’t know what else she expected, but it still hurt to hear the words spoken aloud. Her eyes bore into the side of Kylo’s head, but he responded only by standing up and turning his entire body to face away from her.“You don’t even have the guts to face me while you deliver my death sentence.”Kylo stopped moving, his body visibly tense, but he didn’t turn around. “I don’t owe you anything,” he said quietly.“Don’t worry,” she responded coldly, “I’ve stopped expecting anything.”▪ ▪ ▪The Resistance has been captured. The execution dates are set. The story should end there.





	1. Insomnia

**Author's Note:**

> So my original idea for this fic was short and fairly straightforward, but (as so often happens) it has since warped itself into something much more complex! I hope you guys are prepared for an emotionally turbulent ride...but I think it'll be worth it!
> 
> Comments and feedback are always welcome! Enjoy :)

_Inhale,_

_Exhale_

 

The soft sound penetrated his mind and stoked the red hot coals in the pit of his stomach. He rolled over in bed and smothered his face with his pillow, hoping to drown out the noise.

_Inhale,_

_Exhale_

 

Kylo Ren jolted upright and threw his pillow across the room, growling in frustration. He thought their connection had been severed…he thought when she closed her mind off to him that he wouldn’t have to deal with her incessant presence…her torturous existence. Why, then, was his every night filled with _her_? Why could he hear the gentle sounds of her rhythmic breathing each night while he tried to sleep?

_Inhale,_

_Exhale_

 

A deep, guttural sound emitted from his throat; he sat down on the bed and placed his head in his hands, concentrating on anything but that sound.

The truth was that he knew why this was happening. Logic told him that the mental walls she had so carefully constructed to keep him out were torn down every night while she slept, exposing herself to him. She had no way of knowing that, of course. _And there’s no way I can communicate that to her_ , he thought miserably. Kylo knew that the second he tried to reach out to her she would put up her walls, effectively blocking him from even getting a simple message across. _No, it’s not something I can tell her over the bond_ , he assured himself.

_Inhale,_

_Exhale_

 

“Force!” he cursed into the pitch black depths of his sleeping quarters. Whatever bitter irony had attached him to that scavenger was too much to bear.

Hopping to his feet, he paced to the far side of the room and back, over and over again, hoping to exhaust himself into unconsciousness.

_Inhale,_

_Exhale_

 

Anger – pure and feral – lanced through him like a white-hot knife. _It’s not fair_ , he protested internally. _She should be the one suffering…she should lie awake at night, tortured by an inescapable ghost from the past. She betrayed me!_

Kylo’s ragged breathing filled the cold air of his chamber, mingling with the sound of Rey’s breathing until he couldn’t distinguish between them. Until they formed one loud, excruciatingly painful chorus that echoed ceaselessly inside of his skull.

Sorrow – harrowing and painful – seized control of his body. The rejection he had felt a few months ago in the throne room washed over him in fresh waves, each more agonizing than the last. _She used me_ , he realized, bitterly. _She never cared about me…she only cared about saving her precious Resistance. She didn’t so much as blink when given the choice. I let my guard down…poured my heart out to her…and she threw me away like garbage. I guess she learned something from her parents after all._

A small voice in the back of his head protested, reminding him that she had spared his life in the throne room when he’d been unconscious and completely defenseless.

_Yeah, so she could leave me to rot in my failure as she jaunted away with her true allies in Han Solo’s ship,_ the louder, more powerful voice in his head retorted. Rey’s rescue of the Resistance with the _Millennium Falcon_ had been yet another slap in the face…and one he wasn’t likely to forget.

_Inhale,_

_Exhale_

The anger returned, igniting his flesh with unadulterated loathing. He wanted to rip the burning skin off of his very bones and drown in his hatred. He wanted to feel the soft, warm skin of her neck as his hand wrapped around it. He wanted to feel the life drain from the girl that had betrayed him. He wanted to put a permanent, violent end to the cause of his misery.

He wanted to silence her for making him feel this way…for making him care.

 

_Inhale,_

_Exhale_

 

Instead, he threw himself onto his bed and squeezed his eyes shut, willing the noises away.

 

_Inhale,_

_Exhale_

Instead, like every night, he listened to the quiet sounds of her breathing until he finally drifted off to sleep.


	2. Anxiety

Soft, early morning light streamed in through her window, bathing the room in a metallic glow. Rey’s eyes fluttered open and she rolled over, shielding them from the young sun.

Rey sighed softly and stared at the wall, struggling internally with whether or not to get up. She was always the first one out of bed in the morning – usually an hour or two before her comrades. She liked to be up at sunrise to begin her training exercises, but this morning she was weighed down with anxiety.

The past few months had flown by in a blur. Her fight with Kylo Ren in Snoke’s chamber…her and Chewie’s rescue of the Resistance on Crait…how was it possible that those events simultaneously felt like they’d happened years ago, yet also like they’d just happened yesterday? The passing of time confused her, and it was too early in the morning to ponder such deep questions.

What was really bothering her, then?

She thought briefly about the progress the Resistance had made in the past three months. It wasn’t monumental…they were still coping with too few leaders, too few soldiers, and pitifully few resources. But they did have a new base on Yavin 4 and a few additional allies among the planets that still supported democracy. General Organa, Poe, Finn, and the rest of her friends had found their places among the new Resistance. They were prospering in their roles, and that filled Rey with pride and vicarious contentment. But something inside of her felt…turbulent. As if different parts of her mind were at war, but she didn’t know what they were fighting over. She should be at peace with everything that had transpired, but she wasn’t.

As usual, her thoughts drifted to _him_. The man that had promised her everything and given her nothing. She wondered what he was doing right now. Sleeping, she supposed. _I wonder if Snoke ever slept?_ she pondered offhandedly. She decided that he did, and let the image burn bright inside of her mind for a moment. Then she tried to imagine the new Supreme Leader sleeping, and the thought brought a bitter smile to her lips: the conflicted man-child, tossing and turning in a fitful sleep, never at peace even in his dreams.

A wave of pity crashed over her then; she knew better than anyone what he was going through, and yet she couldn’t help him. She had tried…tried to be there for him despite everything that had happened. But he had asked for too much.

Guilt blossomed in her chest as she recalled their last conversation in the throne room. She _did_ care about him. _Still do_ , she reminded herself. And the worst part was that she knew there was still good in him. After everything that happened she was certain of it; inside of the savage man was a hurt boy, longing for acceptance and love.

_I could have given that to him_ , an annoying voice in her head chimed in. She forced herself to shove those thoughts aside. _Who am I kidding? He doesn’t want me_ , the realist in her asserted. _Or maybe he doesn’t know what he wants._

“Shut up!” she cried aloud, hoping to interrupt the obsessive back-and-forth in her mind. At once the mental torment ceased. Rey exhaled sharply, thankful for a moment of peace. It always went this way when she thought of him; it was a constant battle to avoid thinking about him. She knew it wasn’t healthy…it wouldn’t help anyone for her to obsess over things she couldn’t control. She had given him a chance to turn and he didn’t take it. She hadn’t given up hope, but she knew that his fate was no longer in her hands. He needed to find his own path back to the light…and she could wait.

Still curled up in bed, Rey closed her eyes and pictured his face. As clearly as if he was standing before her she could see his dark, flowing hair, those deep, brooding eyes, and his pleading lips as they formed the word ‘please’.

_Inhale,_

_Exhale_

Her eyes snapped open, scanning the room for the invisible intruder. She held her breath, waiting for the sound to happen again. But it didn’t.

That feeling, that sound. It was too familiar…too intimate. Rey’s body shuddered violently as she reached an eerie conclusion. She had successfully shut him out ever since their last encounter on Crait. But just then…she must have lowered her defenses momentarily. As much as she didn’t want it to be true, she was undeniably certain that she had just heard him breathing.

Every ounce of willpower she had went to reconstructing the mental walls; rebuilding the barriers that had kept him out for so long. When the walls were up, she leapt out of bed and hurried to dress in her training clothes. On the way out the door she summoned a large, shiny lightsaber hilt to her hand. She couldn’t help but forget her worries – if only for the briefest moment – as she gripped the weapon tightly in her hands. It was perhaps her greatest source of pride. Following the destruction of Master Luke’s old saber, her first priority had been to build her own lightsaber. General Organa had suggested a double-bladed saber, something which Rey had never considered. Luckily, the ancient Jedi texts she had stolen from Ahch-To proved to be very helpful; the process wasn’t easy, but she had crafted the saber in a matter of weeks. And now, as she raced past the main hangar and into the forest, she felt the hilt buzzing in her hand, aching for ignition.

Within minutes she was in her designated clearing, completely alone. She ignited her saberstaff and admired the glowing blue blades that shone brilliantly in the dim clearing. She whirled the saber through the air, slashing it wildly through her imaginary enemies. The ghost of Kylo Ren haunted her movements, as if his creeping form was breathing down her neck. A chill swept over her and she subconsciously checked the fortitude of her mental defenses. _It’s just my imagination_ , she realized, relief mingling with disappointment. She tried to ignore the nagging loneliness that tore through her chest and settled deep in her gut. Pushing herself harder, she drowned out her anxiety with sweat and exhaustion.


	3. Fear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the kudos and comments so far!! I'm putting up two chapters since they're so short! Enjoy :)

“We found them.”

The three words rang in his ears, silencing the commotion in the room and overwhelming his mind with a dozen conflicting thoughts. His heart pounded in his chest and his palms grew sweaty; he hoped his emotions were better concealed on his face.

“Ren?” asked General Hux, interrupting Kylo’s inner conflict.

With a jolt of embarrassment, Kylo realized that he had been standing in silence for far longer than he’d intended. Attempting to deflect the humiliation, he growled and shot a menacing glare in Hux’s direction.

Hux cleared his throat hastily and corrected himself, mumbling “Supreme Leader.”

“Where are they?” Kylo snarled.

“Our reconnaissance reports indicate that the Resistance has reclaimed the abandoned Rebel base on Yavin 4,” the orange-haired general explained. “We are preparing a dual ground and air assault tomorrow at zero four hundred hours. They won’t know what hit them.”

“Excellent.”

Underneath his rigid, formidable eyebrows, Hux’s eyes widened; he was clearly taken aback by the praise. “Our command shuttle will be leaving in three hours,” he reported with a bolstered air of superiority.

_Three hours_.

Without a word, Kylo nodded at Hux and strode from the room without looking back. He charged down the corridor and didn’t stop until he was in his living quarters on the other side of the _Finalizer_.

He slammed the door behind him and was greeted with a suffocating silence. _We found them_ , he repeated internally, hardly daring to believe it. _We found_ her. A series of images flashed through his mind: Rey in the interrogation chair, ferocity etched across her face; soft firelight illuminating her crestfallen features in the hut on Ahch-To; her wet, pleading eyes as she begged for her life in the throne room; and finally, the cold, detached expression she wore when she closed the door on their Force bond.

When Kylo came to he was on his hands and knees in the middle of his room. He didn’t know at what point he’d collapsed, but his arms were shaking and his legs felt like liquid. Struggling to his feet, he leaned against the wall for support.

_Two hours and fifty minutes._ A surge of nausea coursed through his body, forcing him to swallow back the bile that threatened to escape his throat. _What is wrong with me?_ He couldn’t understand why his body was reacting so violently to the news. _I should be relieved_ , he told himself. But he wasn’t.

Instead he felt fear…a deep, blood-chilling fear that startled him. _Am I afraid of her, or am I afraid of seeing her? Or is that the same thing?_ He didn’t know, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to dwell on it any longer.

_Damn her_ , he silently growled. Anger, familiar and vicious, swept over him once more and he basked in the feeling, welcoming it back after his disturbing episode of fear.

“She’ll regret turning her back on me,” he vowed into the silence of his chamber. Pushing himself off of the wall, he stripped off his cowl and headed for the refresher.

_Two hours and forty-five minutes_.


	4. Impatience

_Inhale,_

_Exhale_

 

He closed his eyes, exhaling slowly and audibly, attracting stares from the officers around him. When he opened his eyes, however, the officers snapped their attention back to their assignments – a bit too quickly, perhaps. Kylo gripped the arms of his chair until he could feel the blood draining from his clenched fingers.

 

_Inhale,_

_Exhale_

The sound, normally tormenting, was now a distant cry that called him ever closer. He channeled his conflicted emotions into a single thought that drove him forward: _she will answer for what she did._

The shuttle lurched violently, and Kylo watched as the blue haze of hyperspace melted into reality, revealing a vast spacescape of stars, moons and planets. And straight ahead, Yavin 4 – the hiding place of his… _what, exactly? Rival? Enemy? Nemesis?_

_Companion? Confidant? Equal?_ the dissenting voice in his head added. Kylo grunted softly and settled, instead, on _prisoner_.

“Our scanners aren’t detecting any movement on the planet’s surface; it appears we’ve yet to be detected,” the co-pilot announced to the small crowd inside of the command shuttle’s cockpit.

“Can we be sure?” General Hux asked with more than a hint of urgency.

 

_Inhale,_

_Exhale_

“They’re still sleeping,” Kylo muttered without turning his gaze from the looming green planet.

Hux exchanged a brief, confused glance with the co-pilot, but neither dared to ask how their Supreme Leader could possibly know that information.

“Take the ship down to the surface,” Kylo stated, careful to disguise his apprehension as indifference.

“Supreme Leader, we aren’t landing,” Hux rebuked him quickly, though his voice was tinted with caution.

“Do as you’re told, General,” he barked back. In any other situation, Hux would have been punished with the Force, but at the moment Kylo couldn’t bring himself to care about the thin man’s insubordination.

“Of course, sir,” Hux sneered through gritted teeth. Seething with resent, the young general turned and nodded stiffly at the pilot. But despite his obvious reservations, the shuttle began its descent, falling in line behind the transport shuttles that bore the stormtroopers to the ground.

 

_Inhale,_

_Exhale_

_Soon_ , Kylo thought, _very soon_.

 

_Inhale,_

_Exhale_

He closed his eyes and her face danced across his eyelids, whispering the word ‘monster’.

 

_Inhale,_

_Exhale_

He opened his eyes and saw her figure towering over him in the snowy woods, her eyes an icy chasm of contempt.

 

_Inhale,_

_Exhale_

 

Now he saw her lying down, eyes closed, sleeping peacefully. This wasn’t a memory that he recalled, but still he watched her, his gaze refusing to leave her sleeping form. He watched her chest rise and fall in time with her breathing…he watched her lips form a word that sounded eerily like ‘Ben’. And then he watched, mesmerized, as her eyes sprang open and met his for the briefest moment.

 

Silence.

 

His eyes shifted into focus, finding Hux’s face; a foreboding shudder passed over his body.

“They know we’re here.” He offered no explanation, and they didn’t ask for one.

Hux met Kylo’s cold gaze with pale blue eyes that betrayed his trepidation. The orange-haired general turned his head to scan the planet’s surface, but there was still nothing to be seen. All at once three separate alarms sounded, alerting the First Order troops to an awakening on the planet below.

“Watch for transports,” Hux cried into the comlink on the ship’s console. “They’ll try to mount an evacuation. I want ten TIE fighters on every one transport they launch!”

The temperature in the cockpit had risen by an uncomfortable degree. Kylo fumbled at his collar, pulling the fabric away from his neck and feeling no relief. Glancing at Hux, he spied a thin trickle of sweat running down the side of the general’s face. The boiling heat had nothing to do with Yavin 4’s atmosphere, Kylo knew, but it was suffocating nonetheless. Each second that passed felt like a lifetime as he sat on the edge of his seat, body tensed, waiting.

 

Waiting.

 

Waiting.

 

Now. The shuttle touched down and Kylo was out of his seat, charging down the ramp and across the springy forest floor. He didn’t need to search for her – he _felt_ her. He could sense her Force signature from across the galaxy, so now that she was close her presence burned bright and fierce. It beckoned him forward, nearer and nearer to its source. Its pull was urgent…demanding. A fleeting concern crossed his mind: _would I have the power to turn away if I wanted to?_ But he shoved the thought back down – he didn’t _want_ to turn away.

He was so close now. In fact, he could feel her walking towards him…coming to meet him. Closer. Just beyond this door.

Kylo took a deep breath to steady the chaos in his head before reaching out with the Force to open the blast door…the last barrier between them.


	5. Courage

_Kylo Ren sits in the cockpit of his command shuttle, eyes fixed on the lush green planet below. He’s talking to someone – an orange-haired man in a General’s uniform. She should know his name…Finn talks about him a lot. But she can’t remember. Now Kylo is closing his eyes and Rey knows – though she doesn’t know_ how _she knows – that he is thinking about her…picturing her…watching her. She calls out his name and sees a shadow of recognition cross his face. He is here…here…here…_

 

Rey’s eyes shot open and she bolted out of bed, panic welling up in her chest. _The dream was real._ _He’s here_. The realization filled her with dread and her thoughts jumped immediately to her friends. Still groggy with sleep, she fumbled around in the pitch black room for a door handle that she couldn’t find. Groaning in frustration, she reached out with the Force to activate the light switch, then gasped in pain as the bright light burned her tired eyes. Fighting to stay calm, she yanked the door open and sprinted down the hall to Poe’s room. When she got there she burst into the room and switched on the light, forgetting all common courtesy and yelling at his sleeping figure in the bed.

“Rey?” he murmured, lifting a blanket over his head to shield his eyes from the sudden light.

“Get up! Poe! The First Order! They’re here!”

“What the─” he started, but then her words sank in. He jumped out of bed and snatched up an old jumpsuit from a heap on the floor as he hurtled out the door with Rey on his heels. She had never seen the admiral in such a disheveled and disrobed state, but she could only hope that he was slightly more composed on the inside than what his appearance would suggest.

As they rounded a corner towards the communication center, a sudden thought occurred to Rey.

“I have to go back! I’ll catch up with you,” she yelled over her shoulder at Poe as she charged back down the hallway in the opposite direction.

“Rey?!” Poe called out behind her, but she was already halfway down the corridor. She had only just reached her room when the evacuation alarms started blaring – _Poe must have reached the comm center, then_. Ignoring the panicked wailing of the alarm system, Rey raced into her room, summoned her rucksack to her hand, and then sprinted back out into the hallway. As silly as her friends might think it was to retrieve personal items at a time like this, there was no way in hell she was leaving this bag behind for the First Order’s pleasure. The entire collection of Jedi texts from Ahch-To was in that bag – not to mention her saberstaff. Securing the strap around her shoulder, she joined the now heavy procession of humans and aliens making their way to the evacuation hangar.

About two hundred yards before reaching the hangar, Rey broke off from the pack and raced up a perpendicular hallway. When she finally stumbled into the comm room she was greeted with even more chaos: humans shouting commands across the room; droids screeching and whining at command systems that refused to override error messages; alarms drowning out the sounds of other alarms; even the howling cries of a wookiee were audible. Rey wasn’t sure what she expected, but it wasn’t this.

Across the room she spied Rose and Connix huddled together over a console, coordinating the next series of transport launches. General Organa was in the middle of the room, looking regal as ever in an emerald dressing gown and dishing out orders to the lower-level officers. Poe and Chewie were crouched down in front of BB-8, who was plugged into one of the command consoles and beeping furiously. Rey’s head shot back and forth, scanning the room for her missing─

“Rey!”

She whipped around and let the relief flood through her veins. Finn was barreling through the blast doors, his face etched with concern.

“Finn!” The pair collided in an emotional embrace, neither wanting to break contact first.

“How the hell did they find us?” Finn muttered the words into her neck and squeezed her impossibly tighter. Rey stepped back and stared up into his face, desperately trying to explain everything with just a look.

“Is _he_ here?” he whispered so that only she could hear. Rey nodded and set her jaw, struggling to contain the tears that threatened to spill.

“I _saw_ him,” she breathed, so softly it was almost inaudible. But Finn needed no explanation. He alone among her friends knew the depth of her connection with Kylo Ren; he alone understood.

“We need to get you out of here,” he decided, grabbing her arm and pulling her towards the door.

“No, Finn! I’m not leaving anyone behind!”

“Forget us, Rey! You’re the most important person in the Resistance. If the First Order gets their hands on you…if _he_ gets his hands on you…” Finn trailed off, leaving the unfinished thought hanging in air between them.

A flicker of energy caught Rey off guard, and her eyes flashed in the direction of the blast doors.

“What is it?” Finn asked, mirroring the movement of her eyes.

There it was again…coming from close by. It felt familiar but dull, like a friendly voice calling out from too far away. Then she remembered: the mental walls. Rey had spent so many months with the barriers up that she rarely even thought about them, but now she realized that they were damping her sense of _him_. Exhaling deeply to settle her nerves, she let the walls crumble down until there was nothing left but him.

Hate, fear, loneliness, vengeance, hunger, excitement…the emotions barreled down the bond at her, raw and potent. With a start, she realized that he was close…too close.

“Oh no.”

“Rey? What?!” Finn was panicked now. He grabbed her shoulders and shook them roughly.

“I have to face him.” The words escaped from Rey’s mouth before she had the chance to stop them. She didn’t know what caused her to say it, but once she had she knew it was true. Immediately the panic in her chest dissipated and was replaced with determination. _I have to face him_ , she repeated internally. But one look at Finn was enough to confirm that he didn’t agree.

“Like hell you do! We’re leaving, NOW!” He grabbed her hand and made for the door. Rey had to suppress a sad smile – she was reminded of the first time she’d met him on Jakku. But he wasn’t a very fast learner; she snatched her hand away and turned to face him, resolute.

“Stop it, Finn! He’s here for me, and he will go through every single one of you if he has to. I won’t let that happen. The longer I hold him off, the more people we can evacuate! I’m not asking for your permission!” Rey’s chest heaved as she stared him down. His wide eyes bore into her, aching for her to change her mind. But he didn’t argue.

“Rey?”

She peeled her gaze away from Finn’s heartbroken face to find that the entire room had gone quiet. She didn’t know how long they’d been listening, but she could tell from their faces that it was long enough. Poe had been the one that called out; confusion and horror dominated his countenance, but he didn’t argue either. No one did.

Rey’s eyes latched onto General Organa’s. The pair shared a meaningful glance that ended when the general gave her a small, sad nod. Turning back to Finn, Rey summoned whatever courage she had to smile at him. Tears welled in his eyes as he stared silently down at her.

“We’ll be together again,” she assured him. “We always manage to find our way back.”

“I don’t want to let you go,” he whispered, clasping her hands tightly between his.

“I know. Just get out of here as soon as you can.”

“You too.”

Another surge of Force energy alerted Rey to Kylo’s impending arrival. She closed her eyes and pushed away the anger that radiated from his approaching presence. He was only a few hallways away now.

Rey started for the door but Finn’s hands pulled her back, refusing to let go.

“I love you, Rey. Don’t let that be the last time I get to tell you.”

Rey blushed. She knew the entire room was still fixated on her departure, and she had a hard enough time expressing her feelings without an audience. She could also feel Rose’s eyes boring into the side of her head from across the room. But now wasn’t the time to spare feelings…this could be the last time she ever saw her best friend.

“You can tell me all about it when I see you again,” she said, smiling through the tears that ran in rivulets down her cheeks.

And then he kissed her. A simple kiss. Just lips brushing each other in farewell, dampened by their mingled tears.

Rey turned and strode from the room. She hadn’t really thought about Finn in a romantic way…there had never been time in the few months she’d known him. And there certainly wasn’t time to think about now it, either. She did know one thing, though: if she didn’t walk away now then she might never have the strength to. It was already too hard to say goodbye. And that wasn’t even considering the hell she was about to walk into.

As soon as she left the room she could hear the commotion set back in as her comrades scrambled to continue the evacuation. She could feel Finn’s eyes on her back as she went, but she didn’t look back. Soon enough the blast door shut and she was left alone in the corridor. The procession of Resistance members making their way to the hangar was gone – hopefully all boarding transports by now.

Rey focused on the bond. Kylo Ren was so close she could almost taste him. His emotions were wild…chaotic…overwhelming. But she had no choice. He was here for her, and she wasn’t going to let her friends die in her place. _Plus, I’ve beaten him before. I can do it again_.

_Of course, I’ve never faced him with a fleet of stormtroopers at his back_ , a tiny voice in her head shot back. But she shoved the unhelpful thought aside. And then she shoved away every positive thought she had. Kylo Ren wouldn’t get the pleasure of taking away her hope. No. She mentally fortified all of her happiest memories: Finn, Leia, Poe, Chewie…all of them, locked away. In their place she summoned every ounce of courage that she could find.

She rounded a corner and registered his presence nearby…at the end of the hall, just on the other side of the blast doors. Rey walked halfway down the corridor before pausing, extracting her saberstaff from her rucksack, and igniting it.

The blast doors whirred open, revealing the shadow of a man she had once known. Sure, he looked the same – exactly the same as she remembered, in fact. But he was drastically different. In the throne room, the last time she had seen him, he had been Ben Solo. Conflicted to the core but still gentle…compassionate. This man…this was Kylo Ren. Hatred and fury radiated off of him in powerful waves. Rey didn’t need special powers to recognize the disturbance he was causing in the Force. The air around them crackled and sizzled like the hilted lightsaber clenched in his fist. She trembled when her bright eyes met his dark ones.

They simply stared at each other. Silence reverberated between them, penetrating Rey’s defenses and making her vulnerable. Somewhere, deep inside her mind, she recalled the man that had saved her from Snoke. The man that told her she wasn’t alone. _Maybe that man is still inside of this one_ , she hoped.

Praying to the Force that she wasn’t making a huge mistake, Rey took a cautious step towards him. She conjured a feeling of hopefulness and sent it down the bond towards him as she whispered, softly but firmly, “Ben.”

Doubt swept across his face, then was replaced with shock, and then horror. He reached a hand out towards her, but his eyes didn’t meet hers. Instead, they looked past her…over her shoulder. Rey swiveled around to see the object of his attention: a lone stormtrooper that had snuck up on her from behind. His blaster was trained on her chest. The stormtrooper pulled the trigger and then lurched forward violently, collapsing in on himself. Rey didn’t have time to comprehend the shooter’s demise before her world faded to black.


	6. Shame

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm thinking 21 chapters in total, and I'm going to try to have a new chapter up every few days. Thanks again for reading, commenting, giving kudos and (hopefully) enjoying the story! :)

“HUX!”

Kylo Ren’s booming voice rang through the trees and stopped every stormtrooper, pilot and officer in their tracks. He burst into the clearing where his command shuttle stood waiting. Hux stood frozen in the middle of the shuttle’s ramp, his face ghostly pace. He turned around slowly, frightened of the Supreme Leader’s wrath.

Kylo stormed towards the ramp at an impressive pace considering the heavy burden he carried.

“Supreme Leader Ren,” Hux greeted him with forced politeness. Kylo stopped at the bottom of the ramp and glowered up at the general, waiting for an explanation. “It appears you got exactly what you came for,” Hux observed, glancing pointedly down at the woman cradled in Kylo’s arms.

“My orders were for the girl to go untouched,” Kylo hissed. “One of your troopers decided to disregard my authority and stun her.”

Hux’s eyes widened; he was clearly as surprised as Kylo had been to learn of the soldier’s disobedience. Disappointment washed over Kylo briefly – part of him had secretly hoped that Hux had undermined his command and ordered the girl to be apprehended. _Then I could have gotten rid of Hux for good,_ he mused longingly. Alas, he now had no doubt that Hux was ignorant. _He’s not subversive, he’s just a terrible leader_ , Kylo decided.

“I assure you he was not given ulterior orders,” Hux said, clearly catching on to Kylo’s initial implication. “I will personally oversee the soldier’s rehabilitation.”

“There will be no need for that.” _I disposed of him_. _And you’re next if you slip up again._

“I see.” Hux seemed lost for words after that, but Kylo didn’t care. He was exhausted of dealing with this incompetent buffoon. Kylo shoved past Hux and started up the ramp.

Inside the shuttle, he found a dark corner to place his… _prisoner_. Kylo stared down into Rey’s face and realized just how peaceful she looked. As if she weren’t being held prisoner by a man she abhorred and an organization she detested. As if she were instead enjoying a relaxing, sun-bathed nap on the beaches of Ahch-To.

Heat flared in Kylo’s chest at the notion. _Does she sleep this soundly every night?_ he thought angrily. A small voice in his head called out to her defense, but he shoved it down. How many nights had he spent listening to her sleep? How many times had he cursed his own existence? Even when he did sleep it was tortured and filled with nightmares, each worse than the last. Yet here she lay, unconscious, as if she had no cares in the world. As if everything that happened between them in the past few months had meant nothing. As if it didn’t haunt her every waking – and unwaking – moment. _Did I have no effect on her at all?_ He suddenly felt painfully foolish for the amount of energy he’d wasted thinking of her…dreaming of her…hunting her. _All the while she probably never spared more than a passing thought for me_ , he told himself. His stomach twisted violently and he turned and stormed back out of the shuttle, unable to look at her for a single second longer.

As soon as he exited the shuttle he knew something was wrong. Most of the stormtroopers had disappeared to assist with loading the Resistance prisoners onto the First Order transports. Only a small handful of officers remained in the clearing, but they all stood a little too stiffly and looked a little too worried for people on the winning side of a war. Hux was positioned at the bottom of the ramp with a perturbed look souring his already foul countenance. Even the air around them was unnaturally still, as if the forest was holding its breath.

“What now, General?” Kylo groaned, watching Hux through narrowed, suspicious eyes.

Hux cleared his throat nervously before delivering the news. “It seems one of the prisoners was killed in an…erm…incident.”

“ _An incident?_ ” Kylo snarled. “Do your soldiers know how to follow orders, General?! There were to be no casualties.”

“The prisoner resisted arrest,” Hux clarified hastily. “I’m told she fought back viciously and left my soldiers no alternative.”

Panic swelled in Kylo’s chest. “ _She?_ ” he asked quietly, all trace of acid now gone from his voice; in its place was dread…dread for the response he somehow knew was coming.

“The fatality was General Leia Organa.” Hux bowed his head then, unwilling to look his Supreme Leader in the eyes.

The air escaped from Kylo’s lungs with a sharp hiss, as if he’d been hit in the chest with a blaster bolt. A million different questions raced through his mind, but he fixated on one individual thought: _why didn’t I feel it?_ He was more in-tune with the Force now than he’d ever been…or so he believed. A creeping suspicion ate at the edge of his consciousness, silently terrorizing him. _Am I so disconnected from the light side of the Force that I can’t even feel my own mother die?_

The thought should have pleased him…given him affirmation of the goal he’d worked so tirelessly to achieve. He shouldn’t care that his mother died. And he sure as hell shouldn’t care that he was disconnected from the light. Yet there it was…the emotion that had haunted his every move for nearly two decades: shame. Shame that he never got to say goodbye to his mother. Shame that he had ventured so far down the path to darkness. Shame for what the woman lying unconscious on his shuttle would think…

_No._ He refused to let himself sink to this level. He wouldn’t allow himself be consumed by shame for things that should mean nothing to him… _things that_ do _mean nothing to me_ , he mentally corrected himself. Kylo twisted the burning shame like he was forging hot metal, shaping it until it resembled rage. Each shameful thought was mutilated into something he could use to fuel his anger: _It’s no wonder I didn’t feel my mother die, she never loved me anyways…the Force thinks it can manipulate me to its will, but I won’t let it…my prisoner can think whatever she wants, she betrayed me and will die for her disloyalty._ Kylo recited the deformed thoughts until they were as solid as fact. He let the rage flow though him and radiate out from his body, relishing the strained groaning of the Force around him.

Kylo opened his eyes ( _when did I close them?_ ) and glowered down at Hux, who was still cowering pathetically in front of him.

“Which trooper disobeyed my orders?” Kylo asked, his voice dangerously low and disconcertingly calm.

“My soldiers obeyed orders to the best of their ability,” Hux muttered, daring to look up and meet Kylo’s stare.

“Which trooper?” Kylo repeated through gritted teeth.

“I have undertaken the appropriate action. My armies need no other discipline than that which their leader authorizes,” Hux proclaimed, emboldened by his desire to defend his stormtroopers.

“ _I’m_ their leader!” Kylo bellowed at him. He was further infuriated by the general’s presumption of authority. He took two steps forward until his face was merely inches from Hux’s. To his surprise, the surly general stood his ground, refusing to back down now.

“I will not lose more soldiers because they inadvertently obstructed your personal agenda. Perhaps these two incidents would be less profound if you weren’t fostering sentiment for your mother and that wretched desert ra─”

Kylo had his hand around Hux’s throat before the last syllable was out of his mouth. No Force choke this time…this was the real thing. His gloved hand squeezed the white skin of Hux’s neck until purple leeched into the pale man’s face, but even then Kylo was unsatisfied. He channeled his rage into that hand, tightening his grip and lifting Hux off of his feet. The clearing was deadly quiet as every bystander watched in horror as the orange-haired man flailed wildly, fighting for his life.

Kylo turned to the nearest officer, who was standing ten feet away and staring, wide-eyed, at Hux.

“Which trooper disobeyed my orders?” he asked the man, echoing his earlier question.

“JY-504, sir,” the officer squeaked out hastily.

Kylo could feel the life draining from Hux’s body. His fingers itched to crush his windpipe – it would be so easy – but he decided against it. Instead he simply unclenched his hand and let Hux slump to the ground, somewhere between consciousness and unconsciousness. Kylo knew this lesson wouldn’t soon be forgotten – by anyone in the clearing. In fact, he was certain that word of the incident would spread like wildfire around the First Order troops, as it always did. But Kylo didn’t care; usually he enjoyed the fear it inspired in his subordinates, but right now he found no gratification in it.

 

_Inhale,_

_Exhale._

 

“For Force’s sake!”

The onlookers flinched in unison at their leader’s seemingly unprompted outburst. Ignoring their confused stares, Kylo turned on his heel and stormed into the dark forest…into the solitude he desperately needed…away from the girl sleeping soundly in the shuttle…and away from the ghost of his mother who stalked his conscience like a storm cloud.


	7. Grief

Rey awoke to darkness. Her first instinct was to close her eyes and go back to sleep – she clearly had a few hours left until dawn. But something wasn’t quite right.

The mattress underneath her was hard and lumpy, not soft like her bed on Yavin 4. The thin blanket covering her was itchy and smelled of chemicals; it wasn’t enough to keep out the chill in the air. She rolled onto her side and peered at the place where her window should be, but it wasn’t there. In fact, there wasn’t a single window in the room. A dull pain throbbed behind her eyes, and all at once the memories of the previous day came flooding back to her: the First Order invasion of the Resistance base; her painful goodbye with Finn; facing Kylo Ren in the empty corridor; and the stormtrooper aiming a blaster at her chest and pulling the trigger.

Rey’s hand shot instinctively to her chest, roaming the skin for a sign of injury. But there was no wound to be found. _He must have stunned me_ , she realized. She had never been stunned before, but she imagined this could be what it felt like. She tried to remember anything that happened after that, but it was all blank.

“How long have I been in here?” she asked aloud to the empty room, half-hoping that someone would hear her and answer. But the only response was more silence.

“Where am I?” she spoke again, but still no answer.

Rey slowly rose out of the cot and tip-toed around the room; she explored the walls with her hands as she went, hoping to find something…anything that could help her. She found two doors, but one was sealed shut and the other only led to what felt like a small refresher. After she had circled the entire room she fumbled back through the dark to the uncomfortable cot and sat down. There was only one thing to do now: wait.

Hours passed in monotonous silence. Worry ate at Rey’s mind, shredding her composure until she felt physically ill. _Where is Finn? Did the others make it out in time? What happened to Leia? Chewie? Did_ anyone _get away safely?_ The thoughts swirled around and around, pestering her relentlessly. _Where exactly am I? Why am I not dead yet? How long will the First Order keep me alive?_

And then the thoughts of _him_ started. Rey recalled his face when she had confronted him in the corridor. He had looked at her with hatred…loathing…resentment. Rey’s stomach flipped uncomfortably at the memory. _He didn’t look like Ben anymore_ , she remembered.

Loneliness struck her like a slap across the face and she winced audibly. _You’re not alone_ , he had told her once. But now she was.

Another hour or more passed like that, trying – and failing – to stay hopeful. And then the lights flickered on.

The door farthest from her bed flew open and there he was, gliding into her prison cell like it was the most normal thing in the galaxy. And yet she still felt a million miles away from him… _why would that be? Oh shit!_ With a start Rey remembered her mental barriers; the ones she had constructed to keep him out, and the ones she had taken down to confront him. She realized then that she had been blocking him off purely out of instinct, as if that was her default. For the second time in – _how long has it been?_ – she broke through the walls and let Kylo Ren back in.

The Supreme Leader’s emotions coursed through her, causing something akin to emotional whiplash. He was angrier than the last time she’d seen him, if that was even possible. But his anger was different this time…it wasn’t directed at her, not exactly. This time it stemmed from…grief? Yes, she was pretty sure it was grief. She looked up at him to try to read his expression, and found that his eyes were glued to the floor. But his face was a canvas…every emotion that rolled off of him through the Force was painted there in harrowing shades. The scar that she had given him on Starkiller Base seemed even more pronounced than usual, helping sculpt the image of a man that was emotionally and physically broken. And for some bewildering reason, Rey’s heart ached for him. She knew whatever had caused him to feel – and look – this way must be serious. _What does Kylo Ren possibly have to grieve about?_ And then it hit her.

“Leia.” She didn’t mean to say it out loud, but the name rolled off of her tongue anyways. Kylo’s eyes shot up and locked onto hers; the suffering emanating from their dark depths was all the confirmation she needed. “What happened?”

“She resisted arrest and was killed during the struggle,” Kylo said plainly. There was no pretense…no cushioning the blow. But that’s how it had always been with him: blunt truth, nothing more.

Rey shifted her gaze away from him, staring instead at floor…or through the floor…just anywhere but into his eyes. Leia was dead… _his mother is dead_. It didn’t seem real. General Organa had seemed so invincible. Rey hoped that Finn, Poe and Chewie hadn’t been present when she died; she couldn’t imagine how horrible that would have been to witness. Despair edged closer and closer to her mind, threatening to drown her in darkness. She managed to stay afloat, but only just. She was suddenly aware that she was crying softly; hot tears cascaded down her cheeks and fell, unchecked, into her lap. The air in the room had gone stale, thickening in Rey’s lungs until she was left panting for fresh breath. With great effort, she reigned in her emotions and forced herself to stop crying…she shouldn’t show such weakness in front of him. They sat in heavy silence for a few moments before Kylo spoke again.

“There weren’t supposed to be casualties. The stormtrooper disobeyed my command.”

_Why is he telling me this?_ Rey peeked back up at him and saw that he was still staring down at her, as if gauging her reaction. It almost seemed like he was trying to make sure she knew it wasn’t his fault. But Rey couldn’t understand why he cared what she thought. _Can’t you?_ the annoying voice in her head countered. She quickly snuffed out the thought. Even if he did care what she thought, it didn’t matter anymore. They were way past the point where that mattered.

“Do you explain yourself to all of your prisoners?” she asked him, partly out of anger and partly because she actually wanted to know. The look he gave her was crippling, but Rey held his gaze.

“I don’t have to explain myself to anyone, least of all you,” he snarled back.

“No, I wouldn’t think so. And yet…” She trailed off and let him marinate in her implication. The Force sizzled with the renewed rage now flowing from him. Rey knew she shouldn’t respond to him out of anger, but it was easier to be mad at him right now than to try to sort out the mess of other emotions she felt.

“Her death means nothing to me, as yours will.”

His words stung Rey more than she wanted them to. But she didn’t let it show on her face.

“Liar.”

“She would have died soon anyways,” he announced, trying a bit too hard to sound proud of the news.

“What do you mean?” asked Rey, an edge of panic creeping into her voice.

“Her execution would have taken place within the week.”

Rey’s breath caught in her throat. _But that means…_

“What about the rest of the Resistance?” she whispered, though she already knew the answer.

“Your friends are traitors, and they will be punished as such,” he stated. There was no guilt or hesitation in his delivery, and Rey marveled at his level of apathy.

Anger got the better of her once again and she found herself yelling. “Why take us prisoner, then?! Why not just kill us all on Yavin 4?”

“A picture is worth a thousand words, and a holovid…well, let’s just say that’s priceless,” he explained darkly, and Rey knew immediately what he meant.

“So you figured you’d broadcast the executions to the galaxy? Keep the systems in line through veiled threats and barbaric displays of power?” Rey spat the words at him like venom. The muscle in his lower jaw twitched briefly, but otherwise he might have been a statue for all the emotion he showed.

“That’s one way to look at it,” he responded coolly. “Or you could argue that we’re simply delivering the justice that the galaxy deserves.”

“And what about my friends? How long do they have?”

“ _Friends_ ,” Kylo sneered in disgust. “I guess that depends. The first round of executions took place as soon as we returned to the _Finalizer_.”

“What?!” Rey exclaimed, horrified. She knew their time was short, but she hadn’t expected it would be _that_ short. Her heart pounded in her chest as her mind flickered between thoughts of Finn, Chewie, Poe, Rose, Connix, and the other people she’d grown to know over the past few months.

“Don’t worry,” he assured her with mocking sarcasm, “we haven’t killed anyone of note. Just the unranked soldiers, pilots and technicians…that sort.”

Relief washed over her for the briefest moment before she remembered: Rose.

“What about engineers?” she demanded.

Kylo looked questioningly at her, but answered with a single word: “Executed.”

Rey bowed her head and let fresh tears fall down her already salt-stained cheeks. She felt the anger radiating from Kylo’s body weaken and dissolve into something else entirely, but she didn’t have the strength to investigate his emotional turbulence right now. The only thing she could focus her mind on was Rose. Rose, who was dead. _How can that be?_ Rey recalled the last time that she’d seen Rose, after Finn had kissed her goodbye in the comm center; she replayed the scene over and over in her head. Guilt rested in Rey’s stomach like a stone. Rose had loved Finn…Rey knew that. She also knew that Finn didn’t love Rose back…he’d only ever had eyes for Rey. But it didn’t stop Rey from feeling like she’d robbed Rose of the last great joy she’d ever experience. _Ever._ The finality of it stunned Rey, who had never before experienced the death of a friend that was so…young.

Her heart bled for her friend…for Rose. Rose, who would never belt out that infectious laugh again. Rose, whose smile made bad days feel just a little less terrible. Rose, who dedicated her life to doing the right thing, no matter how hard it got. Rose, whose only consolation was following her beloved sister into whatever comes next…

Sorrow and remorse overwhelmed her then, and Rey wept. She knew she shouldn’t; she knew Kylo would think her weak, but she couldn’t stop herself. She wept for her friends that had already died; she wept for her friends that would die soon; and she wept for the galaxy that had lost its last chance for salvation.

“Rey?” She didn’t know how much time had passed, but when his voice called out to her it was gentle. With her eyes still closed, Rey could feel the change of emotion in the room; what had previously been a tumult of confusing, painful emotions was now tender. Rey opened her eyes and cautiously glanced up at him through tear-soaked lashes. She was surprised and confused to see that he had crossed the room and knelt down in front of her so that their faces were only a few feet apart. And even more startling than his nearness was the anguished expression etched into his face. Rey couldn’t reconcile his current mood with the anger and detachment he’d displayed only minutes earlier. _Why is he looking at me like that?_ His black eyes were on fire, scorching her mind and laying waste to her resolve. Any grief she felt was lost as she stared back into their fathomless depths, searching for a clue to his mood swings. But she never found an answer. Instead, as she sat studying this man she had once cared for, a new, even more terrifying thought occurred to her.

“What’s going to happen to me?” she whispered. Pain flashed in his eyes for a split second before he broke her gaze and turned away.

“Yours will be the final execution.”

Rey’s heart sank into her stomach. She didn’t know what else she expected, but it still hurt to hear the words said aloud. Her eyes bore into the side of Kylo’s head, but he responded only by standing up and turning his entire body to face away from her.

“You don’t even have the guts to face me while you deliver my death sentence.”

Kylo stopped moving, his body visibly tense, but he didn’t turn around. “I don’t owe you anything,” he said quietly.

“Don’t worry,” she responded coldly, “I’ve stopped expecting anything.”

Fresh waves of anger spilled forth from his quivering body, and Rey hoped she hadn’t pushed the unstable man too far. But Kylo simply stormed from the room and slammed the door behind him. The lights shut off seconds later, leaving Rey alone once more in the pitch black, accompanied only by the ghosts of her lost friends.


	8. Unrest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's a very short chapter, but I'll be posting another in the next couple of days! I'll also be updating the fic's tags, as this story is going to get more intense from here on out. Enjoy!!!

_Inhale,_

_Exhale_

 

Same story, different night. Kylo Ren sat in a chair next to his bed, hands balled into fits and jammed into his eyes, rubbing them until black stars filled his field of vision. The dark-haired man groaned and cursed _her_ existence for the umpteenth time that night. Idly, he stroked his bare chest where the scar she’d given him marred his skin, tracing the jagged line with his fingertips.

 

_Inhale,_

_Exhale_

If there was one thing he was learning about prisoners, it was that they slept…a lot. He considered sending a stormtrooper into the room to wake her up – if only to get a moment’s peace – but he decided against it. _The last thing I need is for her to piece together the fact that I’ve been sneaking through her defenses every night while she sleeps…even if it isn’t by choice_. No. Definitely not. Instead he tried ignoring her soft sounds of breathing altogether. But his thoughts inevitably drifted back to her.

 

_Inhale,_

_Exhale_

 

Kylo thought back to their encounter earlier that day. The first conversation they’d had in months. He pictured her face, soaked with tears and inscribed with anguish. He had seen her cry before, on multiple occasions…but never like this. Out of physical exertion, out of loneliness, out of conflict, yes. But this was something else entirely. She had wept…truly wept…out of sadness for her friends. She hadn’t waited until he’d left the room…she let down her guard in front of him and cried. And for some reason that Kylo didn’t want to acknowledge, it had softened something inside of him. Some small part of him remembered the girl that had believed in him…that had wanted to turn him. _Maybe she wasn’t just using me. Maybe she really did care about me._ Hope ignited inside of him like an infant flame, tiny and weak but full of life. Thoughts that he had resisted for months now flooded into his consciousness, dizzyingly fast. _Maybe she doesn’t have to die. With the Resistance gone there’s no reason for her to refuse me. Maybe now she’ll join me…_

 

_Inhale,_

_Exhale_

 

An image passed before his eyes: her stone cold face staring him down on Crait before she closed the door on their Force bond. Every doubt and fear he’d struggled with over the past few months flowed back to him then, drowning him in cynicism.

“Force!” he cursed into his empty chamber, loudly enough that it echoed off the walls to taunt him. _What the hell is wrong with me?!_ He didn’t know what had possessed him to feel anything but disdain for the traitorous scavenger. She betrayed him before and she would do it again…he just knew it. _She is my prisoner now. She will try everything in her power to manipulate me…it’s her only remaining move._ Kylo promised himself that he wouldn’t let that happen.

He remembered his last words to her – _I don’t owe you anything_ – and he clung to them desperately.

 

_Inhale,_

_Exhale_

He also remembered the last thing she’d said to him: _I’ve stopped expecting anything._ Part of him ached at those words, but he strangled that miserably weak piece of himself into oblivion. In its place he recited a single phrase until he blacked out with fatigue: _I will give her nothing._


	9. Depair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Just letting you know that this story's tags have been updated. For anyone that hasn’t looked at them, I want to give you fair warning that this fic is going to get pretty dark. Serious emotional roller-coasters ahead. As a result, there will be some minor hints/thoughts of self-harm, but they aren’t integral to the story. So, in conclusion, the emotionally-charged narrative will only get more intense. But I hope that doesn’t deter anyone from continuing on! 
> 
> Here goes nothing! :)

Rey sat cross-legged on the floor, staring down in disgust at an untouched tray of food. The meal itself was entirely edible and, had Rey been hungry, would have smelled mouthwateringly delicious. Yet the colorful mashed root vegetables, large hunk of seared meat, and still-steaming bread rolls went untasted. Rey mindlessly flicked her fork through the pile of bright mash, swirling it around trying not to lose what few contents she did have in her stomach.

She had been grateful when the guards had turned on her lights and delivered the food tray through a hidden slot in the door. From what she overheard from the guards, she surmised that it was the morning of her third day in captivity, and hunger had been gnawing at her stomach for hours. She had pressed her ear to the door and listened intently to their conversation, but what she heard had swiftly stolen her appetite: the second round of executions had taken place last night.

Rey hadn’t caught every word of what the guards said, but she’d heard enough. This group had consisted of the lower level officers, mostly Lieutenants, Captains and Majors. Rey had initially been relieved at the news. After the battle on Crait, Poe had been promoted to Admiral, Finn had been given the rank of Commander, and Chewie had been reinstated as a Colonel. But her thoughts had quickly turned to Connix, who would have been among the lower ranks as a Captain. Rey hadn’t known her as well as Rose, but the loss hurt all the same. Another young, powerful individual taken before their time. Connix had possessed so much life…so much fight. It wasn’t fair. But then again, life never had been fair.

As she sat playing with her food, Rey’s thoughts drifted to the other piece of information she had gleaned from the carelessly loud guards. If their intel was to be trusted, then the next round of executions would be taking place in three days’ time. This round would be the higher ranking officers: Commanders, Colonels, Generals and Admirals. In other words: Finn, Chewie and Poe. Rey had cried herself to sleep the previous night, but she now found that she had even more tears to spare. They fell from the end of her nose and created generous puddles on her tray until her mushed vegetables were swimming in salty despair.

Hopelessness dominated her being. Happiness became a thing of the past, and she couldn’t imagine ever feeling anything but anguish for the rest of her days – limited though they may be. She wanted desperately to see her friends, to speak kind words to them before they met their fate. _But how?_ She knew that even if Kylo came back and she got the chance to ask, he would never allow it.

Finn’s face danced behind her eyelids. Smiling, grimacing, laughing, yelling, kissing. She put her face in her hands and sobbed. The memories were unendurably painful, and she had to resist the urge to sink her fingernails into her flesh so deep that her emotional pain would be overshadowed by physical pain. _No, that wouldn’t help_.

Rey ran from the haunting images of her best friend and thought instead about Kylo Ren. She mentally prodded their bond, but felt nothing from his end. _He must be sleeping_ , she decided. Despite the anger she felt towards him after their conversation the previous day, she couldn’t help but search for him. Closing her eyes tightly, she pictured his face and reached out with the Force until she felt his presence, surprisingly close. _His sleeping quarters must not be far from here_ , she mused. Rey allowed herself to follow his presence, closer and closer, until she was staring down at his sleeping form, breathing softly.

 

_Inhale,_

_Exhale_

The image stunned her. Kylo Ren, the fear-inspiring Supreme Leader of the First Order, was minimized to a pitiable young man in his sleep. Rey had never seen him look so…innocent. He’d been unconscious when she left him in the throne room, but even then his expression had been tortured. As if he could wake up at any moment and destroy whichever unfortunate soul happened to be standing nearest. In the hut on Ahch-To he’d looked conflicted and sad, but not innocent. Never innocent. Now, though, as he slept peacefully, he could be mistaken for a person that had never seen war…never stepped foot on a First Order base…never betrayed his family and helped terrorize thousands – if not millions or billions – of innocent lives.

 

_Inhale,_

_Exhale_

 

The anger in Rey’s heart dissolved into heartache. For her friends…for herself…for Ben Solo. As much as she hated to admit it, she couldn’t deny that Ben Solo still lived on inside Kylo Ren. The proof was right here in front of her. He could hide his grief and torment with hatred and violence when he was waking, but in sleep there was nowhere for him to hide. His true self was laid bare for her – and only her – to see. She thought about the harsh words she’d spoken to him the previous day…she had told him that she’d stopped expecting anything from him. But that had been a lie. She’d wanted to mean it…wanted to wound him like he’d wounded her. But the words had been hollow. She hadn’t given up on him completely, even after everything that had transpired between them.

 

_Inhale,_

_Exhale_

 

His rhythmic breathing was mesmerizing, and Rey realized that her breathing had subconsciously synced with his so that they breathed together in perfect harmony. She reflexively held her breath, suddenly fearful of their powerful connection – both physical and mental. Turning away from her enemy-turned-ally-turned-enemy, she retreated through the Force until she found herself back in her chamber, completely alone save an untouched tray of food.

Staring down at the tray with a renewed sense of purpose, she stabbed the hunk of meat with her fork and forced herself to eat the entire thing. If Ben Solo was still in there, she would need all of the strength she could get to coax him out. _That’s the only way to save my friends,_ she silently vowed. _And myself…and Ben._


	10. Jealousy

Kylo Ren stormed down corridor after corridor, eyes staring straight ahead, never once straying to check his surroundings. Despite the fact that he rarely graced the detention blocks on the _Finalizer_ , Kylo needed no signs or directions. He _felt_ the place he was headed, because she was there.

Rationally, Kylo knew he shouldn’t go back to see her. Things hadn’t exactly gone well when they spoke yesterday. Yet he still found himself making excuses for why he wanted – no, _needed_ – to see her.

_I should tell her when her friends’ executions will take place…I should tell her when_ her _execution will take place. I must make sure she’s eating so she doesn’t get the chance to starve herself before we kill her. I need to check up on her to make sure she isn’t formulating some type of escape plan. I should…I have to…I must…_

Those are the excuses he fabricated to rationalize his decision, but the truth was more complex than Kylo was willing to admit to himself. In fact, he tried not to dwell on it at all as he bounded down the hallways to her prison cell.

He felt her presence like a magnet, pulling him ever closer, beyond his ability to resist. He didn’t bother knocking when he arrived at her door; he simply opened the door with a flick of his wrist and walked inside. The lights were already on this time, illuminating the white room with painfully whiter light. And in the center of it all, sitting cross-legged on the floor, was Rey. Her eyes were glued to his face, giving him the eerie impression that she’d been watching him before he even entered the room. The notion startled him, rendering him unexpectedly flustered. He shook off the creeping chill on the back of his neck and wiped his face of all emotion, hoping she didn’t notice his momentary unease. Returning her unwavering gaze, Kylo noticed that her face was red and blotchy, and streaked with dried tears. Guilt bloomed in the pit of his stomach, but he restrained it.

“I trust you slept well,” he started, immediately cursing himself for how idiotic the words sounded after they’d left his mouth. She stared silently in response, betraying nothing more than indifference. She wasn’t giving much over the bond, either; Kylo only caught glimpses of her emotions through the Force, but they were dampened. His own conflicted feelings greatly overshadowed the small flickers of sadness, fear and determination that she radiated. Certain that he wasn’t getting a response to such an absurd question, he tried a different tactic. “Your friends are slated to die in three days.”

This time he was not disappointed. Helplessness and grief spiked over the bond, betraying her carefully-crafted guise of apathy. Tears sprang to her eyes, but did not spill over.

“Many of my friends have already died,” she said matter-of-factly.

Looking down into her grieving amber eyes, Kylo wondered who among the latest round of executions she knew – and how she knew about it. He made a mental note to chastise the guards for speaking openly where she could eavesdrop. Compassion for the scavenger prodded his conscience, but he shoved it away sharply.

“Forgive me for thinking you might be more concerned about a select few,” he responded evenly. Her eyes narrowed almost imperceptibly, and he knew he’d gotten to her. “Ah, yes. Your beloved friend Poe Dameron. And Chewbacca, of course. Their time is fast approaching.”

To Kylo’s surprise, Rey reacted with immediate (and what he assumed was exaggerated) panic. She jumped to her feet, eyes impossibly wide, and began shouting in a high-pitched shriek.

“What about Finn? He must still be alive! He’s a Commander! That’s the last round – that’s the last execution! Higher level officers – that’s where he belongs!”

Kylo let her exhaust herself with questions and concerns about her _dear friend_ , FN-2187. His blood boiled hotter as he listened to her outburst and felt her hysteria through their bond. Jealousy seared through his flesh and ignited his heart in white-hot flame.

“Don’t grieve just yet…your beloved stormtrooper is still alive,” Kylo spat at her.

Relief surged down their bond from her end, but it only further enraged Kylo.

“What’s going to happen to him?” she asked hopefully, clearly oblivious to his growing fury.

“He’s going to be executed with you. Two high-profile traitors for one final show.” Kylo poured as much venom as he could muster into his words, hoping to hurt her with them.

“Oh.” It was all she managed to reply. Her eyes finally dropped his gaze, lowering until they settled on a small crack in the tiled floor. It had worked…he’d wounded her. But he couldn’t stop himself there.

“I had no idea he meant so much to you,” Kylo growled. He had meant it to sound accusatory, but instead it came out sounding petulant and, quite frankly, pathetic. Her eyes snapped back to his, shooting him with a questioning glare.

“What do you care what he means to me?” she asked suspiciously.

“I suppose it makes sense,” he whispered to himself, though loudly enough for her to hear.

“What makes sense?” she barked back in frustration.

“Don’t play stupid,” Kylo snarled. He couldn’t quite remember why he had come to see her, but it sure as hell wasn’t to get into a petty argument about an ex-stormtrooper. Now that it had started, though, he couldn’t restrain the poisonous words that flowed from his mouth. “Congratulations, Rey. You played me like a Force-damned vioflute. Don’t patronize me by pretending any differently!”

“I have no idea what you’re referring to!”

“Dammit, Rey! _Neither are you_ ,” he said, mocking the words she had once said to him.

“What?”

“ _Neither are you_. That’s what you said to me on Ahch-To. After I told you that you weren’t alone. You made me believe it, Rey. But it meant nothing to you. You were never alone – you had _him_.”

“I can’t believe what I’m hearing!” She was yelling now and inching closer to him with each angry word. By the time she stopped they were less than an arm’s length away. He could have reached out and grabbed her…strangled her…touched her. But he didn’t, and she continued yelling. “Are you _jealous_?!”

He scoffed at her implication rather than dignifying it with a response. Instead he pressed his own agenda, letting loose the pent up resentment he’d fostered for so many months. “You never cared about _saving_ me! You used me to save your friends! How did that work out for you?!”

“So I deserve to die because I have people in this galaxy that I love?! That’s barbaric!”

“You turned your back on me!” he bellowed, taking a step forward so their chests were nearly touching.

“You wanted me to turn my back on everyone I love!”

“You mean on _Finn_?!” he sneered tauntingly.

Rey’s hands shot out and pushed him violently backwards with a combination of the Force and her own physical strength. Kylo was sent flying into the wall, dazed by her act of brutality.

“Touched on a nerve, did I?” he growled as he got back to his feet.

Rey turned on her heel and stalked away from him, arms crossed. Kylo stared daggers into the back of her head, but she refused to face him. Anger reverberated between them, sending shock waves through the Force. Kylo balled his hands into fists and stormed out of the cell, leaving his sulking prisoner behind. He charged down the hallway, fuming with rage, until he rounded a corner and entered a new, deserted corridor. He sank to his knees and pounded the floor with his fists, cursing her and the Resistance and the Force and the First Order and himself. Tears, hot and thick, rolled down his cheeks. He tried to hate her…he wanted to hate her. But instead he hated himself.


	11. Suspicion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I seriously love all of your comments and kudos!! Thank you for that :)
> 
> The story rages on, emotional and angsty as ever. A couple more short chapters and then things will start to ramp up (for better or worse)! Start preparing yourselves now :P
> 
> Enjoy!!

Rey had never slept in a less comfortable bed in her life. Even the shabby cot she’d built in her AT-AT on Jakku had offered more comfort than this one. Something about it…the hard lumps in her back, the nauseating sterile smell, the meager blanket that left her shivering… _something_ just wasn’t right. Or maybe she couldn’t sleep because she and her friends were being held captive and would die any day now. Yeah, maybe that had something to do with it.

Whatever the reason, she was finding it nearly impossible to sleep. She was still upset with herself for the lack of restraint she’d shown during her conversation with Kylo earlier. _So much for coaxing Ben Solo out of him_ , she mused miserably. She had intended to play nice and somehow convince him to save her friends…it was their only remaining hope, after all. Yet when he’d waltzed into the room and started spewing some nonsense about Finn she had lost it. Rey was disappointed by how easily she’d let him get under her skin. And now she was no better off than before…if anything she’d made the situation worse.

She imagined Finn, Poe and Chewie sitting in their own prison cells, counting down the final minutes of their lives in solitude. Rey’s heart ached for them, and she knew she needed to rectify the situation. Closing her eyes and taking a long, settling breath, she sought out his Force signature. This time was even easier than last night, and she found that she barely had to try before she found herself staring down at his sleeping figure.

A long moment passed before she summoned the courage to wake him.

“Kylo?”

His eyes flew open and locked onto her face. He was up and on his feet in a flash, watching her with suspicious eyes.

“Either you’ve decided to re-open our bond or your guards have a lot of explaining to do,” he finally managed to say.

“I didn’t mean to startle you,” she explained, hoping to soothe his paranoia, “but I wanted to talk.”

“You did?”

“I shouldn’t have gotten violent with you earlier. I’m sorry.”

Kylo raised his eyebrows, clearly surprised by her apology. “I-It’s…erm…it’s okay?” His words came out as more of a question than a statement, and his face reflected the same confusion.

“You have the story twisted,” she pressed on, ignoring his muddled reply. “Everything that happened between us…I wasn’t trying to manipulate you. I truly wasn’t.”

“And you thought that if you came in here and apologized to me that I’d spare your life? I won’t.”

She hadn’t expected him to catch on to her methods _that_ quickly, but what choice did she have?

“Not exactly,” she lied, since that was indeed exactly what she’d planned. “I’ve come to grips with the fact that I’m going to die. I just want to make sure that you have your story straight before you go displacing your anger towards me onto some planet that doesn’t deserve it.” That wasn’t the truth, but as she said it she realized it was as good a reason as any to make peace with Kylo Ren.

“Did you ever care about anything other than saving your friends?” he asked seriously. Rey sighed internally, relieved that he was opening the floor for this conversation.

“I told you what I saw in that Force vision. I wasn’t lying.”

“Why did you come find me on Snoke’s ship?”

“Because I thought you would turn.”

“But why? Why did you care?” he prodded.

“Because…well…I─”

“Because you wanted to save your friends, and you thought I was the way to do it. I was a means to an end. A tool for the Resistance. A tool for you to use and throw away when you’d finished with me.”

Rey was dazed by the sincerity in his voice and the emotion that simmered behind his eyes. She knew he was harboring resentment towards her, but she didn’t realize until then quite how much she’d wounded him by leaving. Something like empathy stirred in her chest, but she swatted it away. She needed a clear head – and heart – if she was going to pull this off.

“That’s just not true. Yes, I wanted to save the Resistance. But I wanted you by my side when I did it. I still do…”

“So this _is_ about saving the Resistance?” His eyes bore into hers, searching them for some sign of the truth, but she restrained her emotions carefully as she crafted an adequate response.

“Ben, listen to me.” Light flickered behind his eyes at the mention of his given name; when he didn’t respond otherwise, Rey continued. “I saw the conflict in you then, and I see it in you now. Last night…” she hesitated, anxious to reveal her invasion of his privacy, “…last night I came in here to find you. You were sleeping. I don’t know how to explain it, but I could just tell, looking at you, that Ben Solo was still in there somewhere.”

“You watched me sleeping?” he asked, and for some reason beyond Rey’s comprehension he seemed…amused?

“It wasn’t really like that but…yes.”

His amusement was short-lived, quickly morphing back into suspicion.

“I won’t pretend like I wasn’t conflicted then, but I’m not now. I know what I have to do, and I’m so close now.”

Rey had the creeping suspicion that he was referring to her execution, and she had to suppress a shudder.

“It wasn’t too late then, and it’s not too late now.” Rey could feel the conflict brewing in him even as they stood there. “I’m not saying this so you save me or the Resistance. I’m saying this because I truly believe it. I’m saying this because we still have a chance to make things right.”

Tears formed in Kylo’s eyes as he considered her words. Guilt trickled into her conscience as she realized how well her words were taking a toll on the conflicted man, but another, stronger emotion reared its head: hope. It wasn’t just about saving her friends…the vision she’d seen so many months ago could still be a reality. She couldn’t deny that part of her still desperately wanted him to turn.

“Why should I trust you?” he said quietly.

“I’ve never lied to you. Not once.”

Kylo sat down heavily on his bed and put his head in his hands. Rey had to suppress the urge to go to him…to lay a hand on his shoulder…to comfort him. Instead she retreated from him mentally and found herself back in her own room, alone.

She told herself that she left to give him time to process everything, but that wasn’t the whole story. In truth she was afraid of how strongly he affected her. How overwhelming the urge had been to reach out and console the man who was holding her friends and herself captive. The bond they had forged was intense…it terrified her. And she couldn’t let her feelings towards him – complicated as they were – interfere with her plans.

Flopping down onto her own lumpy cot, she tried to think of anything but him. Inevitably, she thought of only him.


	12. Frustration

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will the back-and-forth never end? (I'd tell you but it would be a spoiler!)

Did she really expect him to believe that? Her lies couldn’t be more obvious. It was just more of the same. More manipulation. More deception. More more more. _Does she think I’m dense?_

Kylo clenched his gloved fists and pounded the glass of the observation window. He was alone on the bridge, wallowing in emotion as he so often did these days. He wondered briefly how it would feel to be on the other side of this window…to float in space until every drop of water in his body evaporated and he became nothing more than a lifeless husk, drifting through darkness forever. Something about it seemed oddly appealing to him, but he let the morbid thought pass. He was letting _her_ get to him. Once again he was allowing her to rule his mind and his emotions, all the while she was probably sitting in her cell laughing at his stupidity.

His thoughts were interrupted by the whir of the blast doors as they opened to reveal General Hux skulking into the room.

“General?” What little patience Kylo had was already worn very thin; he hoped Hux would get to the point quickly and then leave him alone.

“Supreme Leader.” Hux nodded in respect, though Kylo could feel the poorly-restrained resentment that always brewed just below the surface. “Your prisoner has been requesting you.”

“Rey?” he asked, completely caught off guard.

“Yes, _Rey_ ,” Hux said, disgusted by their use of her real name. “She’s been asking the guards for you all day.”

_Why didn’t she seek me out through the Force?_ Kylo wondered silently, but all he said was, “I’ll deal with it.”

“Yes, sir.”

And then Hux was gone, scurrying out of the room as quickly as he’d come. Kylo hardly noticed – he was lost in his own whirlwind of thoughts. The skeptical, angry part of him knew it was just another ruse to get what she wanted, but the lonely, heartbroken part longed to see her again. _Maybe she’s telling the truth_. Hardly daring to hope, he stormed out of the room after Hux and made his way to the detention block.

When he unlocked her door and stepped inside he found her sprawled out on her back on the cot, legs propped up against the wall, with her head cocked to one side so she could watch him enter.

“Do you just lie around all day waiting for me to show up?”

“Well, there aren’t many options for entertainment around here,” she replied, not taking her eyes off of him.

“I heard you were bothering my stormtroopers,” he said, changing the subject.

“I wanted to see you.”

“There are other ways you could have found me.”

“I didn’t want to interrupt some important war council or strategy meeting. Those things bore me to death.” She yawned for emphasis – or because she was really tired, he couldn’t tell.

“I see. Well, I’m here now. What was so urgent that you had to send for me?”

Rey flipped over and scrambled to a sitting position on the cot, still watching him carefully. Kylo couldn’t help but notice how captivating her amber eyes were as they followed him.

“I know things between us aren’t exactly…amicable. I know you’re skeptical about my motives and I know you think I’m trying to manipulate you, but I’m not. That being said…” She paused for a long moment, during which her eyes left him and focused instead on her hands, now clasped tightly in her lap. Kylo felt her nerves spike over the bond, and he braced himself for a request that he wouldn’t like. “I want to see Poe and Chewie.”

Kylo grunted and began pacing along the wall, kicking himself for ever believing she could have wanted him here for anything else.

“I know it’s a big request but I didn’t get to say goodbye to Rose or Connix or Leia.” Kylo shivered at the mention of his mother’s name, but Rey didn’t seem to notice. “They’re my friends, and they’re going to die. I just want the chance to say goodbye.”

“Absolutely not.” _And how dare you even ask?_

“Please.” When she met his gaze again he noticed that tears had formed in her eyes and her lower lip trembled. If he had been even slightly less infuriated he may have succumbed to her pleading. But he was so far past anger that it didn’t cross his mind to pity her.

“I have to give you credit, Rey. You really know how to turn a knife.”

“Please! This isn’t about what happened between us! Put that aside for a moment and just find one ounce of compassion in your heart!”

“You’re one to talk about compassion!” Kylo snorted.

“What’s that supposed to mean, exactly?”

“I killed Snoke for you…I destroyed the only person who could have opposed us. _Us._ Me and you, ruling together. I wanted that…I begged for that. And you threw it away.”

Kylo watched her carefully composed restraint dissolve into indignation. Frustration seeped across the bond towards him and she leapt to her feet and approached him. He stopped pacing immediately and turned to face her, ready for a show down.

“I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry I didn’t side with you. I’m sorry I didn’t join the First Order. I’m sorry I couldn’t join a cause that has terrorized billions of innocent people! I couldn’t leave my friends to die because you wanted to ‘rule the galaxy!’”

“Ah, yes. It seems we’ve reached the root of the problem!” Kylo snapped back, inching closer so their bodies were nearly touching.

“As usual, I don’t have a clue what you’re talking about!”

“Do you really think this is just about politics?”

“Yes,” said Rey, though it was an obvious lie.

Kylo snorted derisively and balled his hands into fists. He tilted his head back and put his hands over his face, growling in frustration. The rage that filled him then was nearly overwhelming, and he had to take a step back from her. Without warning he cried out and punched the wall with his gloved fist, leaving a sizeable dent in the otherwise smooth surface.

Rey shied away from his tantrum and sat back down, cross-legged on the bed. She stared up at him patiently, waiting for his outburst to cease. When Kylo’s rage had been sufficiently expelled on the now-mangled wall, he took a few steadying breaths and turned to face her.

“No visitations. No more requests. If you don’t understand why I’m upset then we have nothing left to discuss.”

He watched pain warp her face as she absorbed his words in silence. When he turned to leave she cried out to call him back.

“Wait, Kylo.”

He smothered the desire to go to her, instead staying his course to the door. His hand was on the doorknob when she called out again, this time using his real name. The word _Ben_ bounced around inside his skull, but he ignored it. He ignored her. He ignored every instinct to turn around. He stormed out of the room and slammed the door on her and on every part of himself that still hoped for her affection.


	13. Doubt

Water trickled through his long locks of hair and down his face, washing away the tears on his cheeks as quickly as they appeared. Kylo stood under the stream of scalding water and savored the burning pain on his bare skin. His mind raced with thoughts of her. Always her.

Just as he’d suspected, Rey was still wholly focused on her friends. She didn’t care about him at all.

_Just because she cares about her friends doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about me_.

“Shut up!” he growled to silence the dissenting voice in his head. His outburst resounded inside the small, glass-enclosed refresher and rang mockingly in his ears. “I will kill her,” he said even louder, basking in the eerie echo of his vow. But deep inside, he was still ravaged by conflict. As much as he hated to admit it, he didn’t want her to die. And he certainly didn’t think he had the guts to kill her himself. _Am I willing to save her even if she doesn’t want to be saved? Can I force her to join me once her friends are out of the picture?_ Kylo wasn’t sure, but he postponed his conflict by reminding himself that he still had several days to decide.

By the time he’d finished showering and yanking on some sleeping trousers he was still debating the issue in his head. It was as if his mind was playing a game of “she loves me, she loves me not” but the game had no end. The petals on his metaphorical flower regenerated each time he thought he’d made up his mind, causing him to backtrack and flip-flop at every turn.

Suddenly the air around him stiffened and he felt the familiar tug of their bond. He turned to find Rey standing by his bed, staring at him with a mixture of fear and remorse.

“I know this is all getting repetitive,” she said, shrugging her shoulders.

“I told you there’s nothing left to discuss.”

“I don’t think that’s true.”

“Then say what you have to say and then leave me alone.” Kylo stared at her expectantly, wondering what banthashit she was going to spew this time.

“Ben meant a lot to me. I mean, _you_ meant a lot to me,” she whispered, eyeing him cautiously. “Things have gotten complicated but…if Ben’s still in there then I think there’s still a chance…for us.”

Kylo’s breath caught in his throat at her use of the word ‘us’. It was terrifying and electrifying all at once, and he was rendered temporarily speechless.

“I still want to see my friends before they die…I haven’t changed my mind about that,” she continued, gaining confidence as she spoke, “but I’m only human, Ben.” She tested his name slowly, and Kylo was once again stunned by how easily she could paralyze him with a single word. His heart hammered in his chest, beating incessantly like a drum, until it was so loud that he wondered if she could hear it. If she could she didn’t let it show, instead pressing on with her plea: “I know it upsets you but I need this. If you have any leftover feelings for me… _please_.”

Kylo thought about that for a long moment. He wanted to believe her, but he’d been burned too many times before. _Then again, maybe if I allow her this one request she’ll be willing to consider_ my _request._ He considered the notion and decided it had some validity to it. He couldn’t think of a better way to show her how serious he was about this…about her. _Plus, what could it hurt? It’s not exactly like she could formulate any type of escape plan…especially not if I’m watching._

“And what about what I want, Rey?” He spoke softly, as if saying the words quietly would somehow make him less vulnerable.

She looked up at him with those big amber eyes that could take his breath away if he let them. Kylo thought he saw his own conflict reflected in their depths, but it quickly turned to sadness.

“I don’t know what you want.”

“Don’t you?” He took a cautious step towards her; when she didn’t back away he took another, and then another, until he was close enough to see light dancing off of the gold flecks in her irises. She was truly mesmerizing, and he had to take a deep breath to concentrate his thoughts into a coherent statement. “I want to start over with you.” _Just you._

Rey blinked and looked away, brushing a rogue tear from her cheek with the back of her hand. Clearing her throat awkwardly, she stepped backwards and regarded him with a cautious look.

“I can’t make any decisions right now, Ben. My friends are dying and I can’t help them. There’s no room in my mind for anything else when I’m worrying about them.”

Kylo paused for a long moment, pondering her words. _What do I have to lose?_ Turning his back to her, he closed his eyes and exhaled deeply before conceding: “One hour.”

A sharp inhale sounded from behind him. “Thank you.” Those two simple words overflowed with gratitude and sincerity, and Kylo had to strangle the smile that threatened to expose his satisfaction. Instead, he covered his sentimentality with a harsh warning.

“Tomorrow. One hour. Then you return to your cell and never utter another word about it. Do you understand?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Now go.” Despite the dismissiveness of his words, part of him – a bigger part than he cared to admit – hoped that she would stay. Naturally, disappointment settled in his gut when he turned around and found that he was alone. Loneliness discovered him once more and he growled into the still air of his chamber, basking in the only sound that managed to reach his ears.

_She will join me,_ he told himself to quell the doubt in his mind. _Her friends will die and she will join me._ He repeated the mantra until it became a background track to his conscious mind. But no matter how many times he recited the words, uncertainty remained.

_She loves me,_

_She loves me not._


	14. Pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a dream last night that I was dating Adam Driver...it was lovely...he was lovely. And then I woke up to the bitter disappointment of reality (lol). So I figured I'd roll with the sadness train and post this chapter today. Prepare for emotion overload...

His hand gripped the back of her shirt tightly as they made their way down a series of corridors and into an elevator. The seconds dragged by in silence as they waited for the doors to open on the third level – the detention block that held the high priority Resistance prisoners. _Except me_. Rey briefly pondered her own incarceration in a cell that was conspicuously distant from the others’, but she dismissed the thought as trivial. The location of her prison cell hardly mattered in the big scheme of things.

A rough hand on her shoulder yanked Rey back to reality, and she realized that Kylo had stopped in front of a door labeled 3429. Looking up at him, Rey indicated for Kylo to remove the restraints that bound her hands together. The metal handcuffs had been something of a welcome present when he’d arrived at her cell that morning, but she was getting irritated by the way they chaffed her skin and restricted her movement.

“I don’t think so,” was all he responded.

“Seriously? I’m not saying goodbye to my friends with these monstrosities on!”

He debated that for a moment before rolling his eyes and unlocking the cuffs with a flick of his wrist. In reality they both knew she could have unlatched the restraints at any point, just as easily as he had. But it was something of an unspoken agreement that she at least act like she was submitting to his will.

Kylo handed the cuffs to one of the two stormtroopers that had accompanied them to the cell. “Are you ready?” he asked her, quietly enough that the guards couldn’t hear.

Rey nodded. It was the only response she could manage, given the fist-sized lump that had abruptly formed in her throat. All at once she was overcome with nerves, and a small part of her longed to retreat to the cold – albeit now familiar – confines of her own cell. Curling up under her scratchy blanket suddenly seemed like a fine alternative to entering the harrowing door that stood before her. There was only one thing that waited for her inside of that room: pain.

But this visit wasn’t about her. It was about her friends…Poe and Chewie. Seeing them before…well, before she couldn’t see them anymore.

And maybe…just maybe, Kylo would change his mind. She refused to get her hopes up too high, but she wouldn’t discount the very real possibility that Kylo might decide to pardon her friends. _If he wants me to join him badly enough, then he’ll take my friends’ lives into consideration._ _Right?_ She had to hold on to that hope, if only to get through the next hour.

Without another word, Kylo unlocked the prison cell and opened the door. He indicated with his head for the stormtroopers to stay in the hallway, and together he and Rey entered the room.

When the door closed and the lights flickered on, a small gasp escaped Rey’s throat. The room was tiny and cramped – not even a third of the size of her own room. There was no lumpy cot or smelly blanket; no separate washroom, just a rusty toilet in the corner; the only other object in the room was a crumpled mass of dirty clothes that moved up and down almost imperceptibly. The pile of clothes stirred weakly before rolling over to reveal the bruised and bloodied face of Poe Dameron. His eyes widened in shock as he took in the towering form of Kylo Ren, but his gaze quickly settled on Rey. As his face softened and lit up at the sight of her, Rey’s face darkened at the sight of him. She had assumed that all of the prisoners had been treated like she had – hot meals, decent hygiene, reasonable comfort, no physical harm. But she had been dead wrong. The man huddled on the floor was a ghost of her friend…a ghost that hadn’t eaten or showered in a week. And if she wasn’t mistaken, a ghost that had been beaten into submission.

Guilt flooded into Rey’s heart in painful waves. She didn’t know…couldn’t have known…but still. The idea that she was gallivanting around with Kylo Ren while her friends were being tortured was…well, unbearable to consider. So she forced the guilt-ridden thoughts aside and rushed to her friends’ side.

“Rey! What are you─” Poe started in a shaky voice, but was swiftly interrupted by Rey’s suffocating embrace.

“Poe,” she whispered into his neck, wrapping her arms more tightly around his thinning body as she knelt down next to him. “What did they do to you?”

“What? Is there something wrong with my face? Am I not dashingly handsome anymore?” he croaked in mock devastation.

Rey smiled despite herself…despite her friends…despite their situation. Somewhere below the surface Poe was still there in all of his glory. They could break his body, but they couldn’t break his spirit. And that comfort, minor though it was, warmed her frosty heart.

“No, no! You’re still the best looking pilot in the Resistance…maybe in the galaxy,” she said hastily, much to his amusement. They laughed then, something they hadn’t done in what felt like a lifetime. Neither cared that tears glistened on their cheeks and mortality sat like a weight on their shoulders…they laughed like children without a care in the world. They laughed until their sides hurt and they clung to each other for support. They laughed until they cried, and then they cried until they laughed again. By the time their howls and sobs subsided, they were breathless and panting. Rey sat down, legs crossed, next to Poe and steeled herself for what would be a difficult conversation.

Before she could string a proper sentence together, the door to the cell opened and a tall, hairy figure was jostled inside. The creature growled angrily at his guards as they shut the door behind him.

“Chewie!” She leapt up and threw her arms around him, fresh tears now leaking from her eyes as she hugged the giant wookiee. He mewled in response and held up his wrists to show her the shiny metal restraints.

Before she had even finished turning her head in Kylo’s direction, the Supreme Leader barked “absolutely not” from the corner where he stood in quiet observation. She tilted her head and raised her eyebrows in silent debate. The pair stood like that for a long moment before the cuffs clattered to the ground and Rey nodded a wordless thank you. Kylo simply shook his head and resumed his detached study of their exchange. Not wanting to waste time, Rey turned back to Chewie and dragged him by the arm to where Poe still sat on the ground. She had an unsettling suspicion that Poe couldn’t actually stand up, but she prayed to the Force that she was mistaken. Not wanting to distress him either way, she beckoned for Chewie to sit down and together the three of them formed a small triangle on the dirty floor, connected by shaky hands that held each other tightly.

“What’s going on, Rey?” Poe asked, breaking the heavy silence. “Why are you here? Why is _he_ here?” He inclined his towards Kylo, suspicion evident in his narrowed eyes and furrowed brow.

Chewie growled in agreement, equally confused by the turn of events. From what Rey gathered of his mumbled Shyriiwook, he had been unceremoniously collected from his own cell without warning or explanation, and brought directly here. Rey’s heart ached to see the confusion and desperation in her friends’ eyes. She wondered if they knew about the executions that had taken place already, and she doubted it. Bracing herself for their reactions, she decided to give them the news as directly as possible. No point in wasting time or diminishing the severity of their situations.

“How much do you two know about what’s going on here?” she asked first. When they both stared blankly at her, she summoned her fading courage to deliver the blow before she chickened out. “The First Order has been staging public executions, working their way up through the ranks of the Resistance. You two and the other high-ranking officers are next. Finn and I will be the last. They’re culling the entire organization.”

Tension permeated the stillness of the air as Poe and Chewie sat in heavy bewilderment. There were not enough kind words in the galaxy to comfort them, so Rey remained silent, letting them absorb the information in peace. It wasn’t until several minutes had passed that Chewie broke the silence with a strangled growl.

“I overheard the guards talking, and I’ve confirmed it with Kylo. It’s not a rumor, I’m afraid,” Rey said in response to the wookiee’s question.

Another series of roars and grunts from Chewie, but this time it was Poe that responded.

“What would he have to gain by lying?” he said bitterly. “We knew this was a likely scenario if the Resistance was ever discovered.” Poe squeezed his eyes shut tightly, pain etched across his face. “There’s nothing we can do. Let’s just take comfort in the fact that we got eight transports off safely before everything went to shit.”

“We did?” Rey asked excitedly. This was the first she’d heard of it, and the thought ignited a small flame of hope in her heart.

“I don’t know where they were headed or how far they got, but I have to believe they’re still out there. I have to.” Poe’s eyes betrayed the devastation that he felt; Rey squeezed his hand, but the gesture felt hollow. What could she say to a man that had dedicated his life to a cause, only to watch it burn to the ground before his eyes? Luckily Chewie interrupted the moment before Rey lost herself completely in despair; his question was one that Rey knew was coming, but it didn’t make it any easier to answer.

“Rose and Connix are gone. Every Resistance member below the rank of colonel has been executed.” Rey spit the words out hurriedly and then watched as they registered on the faces of her friends. Chewie bowed his head and moaned softly, sorrowfully, but Poe held Rey’s gaze.

“Leia’s gone, too,” he whispered, visibly shuddering at some unspoken memory.

“I know.”

Without warning Chewie tilted his head back and let out a deafening roar, shaking his fists in fury and anguish and pain. Rey had never seen the wookiee cry; even when Han Solo had died he had remained strong, almost stoic. But now tears spilled down his cheeks and matted his wet fur. A small part of Rey died in that moment. _How did it come to this?_ she wondered depressingly. _How have such terrible things happened to such good people?_ _What did they do to deserve this savage fate?_

Rey and Poe scooted closer to Chewie, and together they held the large wookiee as best they could. And just like that, the three friends sat huddled together, weeping shamelessly, for what felt like hours. In reality it was only minutes, but the time stretched on painfully slowly. At one point Rey felt something like remorse tug at the corner of her Force bond, but she refused to spare even a split second of her remaining time looking at the man that had caused this. _Kylo Ren_. This was his fault, and she’d be damned if she let his guilty conscience distract her from her friends. Instead she loosened her grip on Chewie and sat up straight, ready to talk again. Poe followed her lead, inching backwards and staring at her expectantly.

“Our execution is tonight, isn’t it?” he asked in a hushed, trembling voice.

Rey nodded.

“Why did he bring you here?” Poe glanced at Kylo for a fraction of a second, clearly still confused about the nature of Rey’s visit.

“I asked to see you both before…” She trailed off, preferring not to finish that sentence.

“But why honor your request? What is he getting out of it?” Poe whispered the question, but the room was far too small for discretion and Rey was sure that Kylo could hear every word of their conversation.

“It’s complicated, and it doesn’t really matter right now. All that matters is that I’m here and we probably only have a few minutes left before they’re going to take me away. This could be the last time I see you.” She purposely used the words ‘could be,’ hoping that the ever watchful Kylo caught on to her implication.

“Are you going to see Finn?” Poe asked hopefully.

“I don’t know,” Rey admitted honestly, trying hard to ignore the eyes burning into the back of her skull as she spoke about the ex-stormtrooper. “I hope so.” Anger flashed from across the bond, but she ignored that too and hoped Kylo would forget his petty jealousy and find it in himself to show compassion.

“If you do see him, can you relay a message?”

“Of course. Anything.”

“Tell Finn…” Poe paused, deep in thought, “…tell him that luckiest day of my life was the day he rescued me…and I’m sorry I couldn’t return the favor. Tell him I missed him, and that I would have given anything to see him again.” He lowered his eyes and brushed away the tears that graced his dirty cheeks. Rey’s heart nearly broke in two for her grieving friend…he was going to die in a few hours, yet his mind was consumed with thoughts of Finn. For a brief, soul-crushing moment Rey wondered if she was even capable of loving anyone that much; but the feeling passed just as quickly as it had come.

“I’ll tell him,” she vowed. And in that moment she knew that she would do whatever it took, no matter the consequence, to deliver that message.

A loud rap sounded on the outside of the prison door, signaling the end of her hour. An hour that had passed in the blink of an eye and yet had lasted an eternity.

Kylo stirred in his corner and Rey met his eyes, which were dark and full of conflict. _Good_ , she thought, taking it as an indication of his pull to the light. _Maybe this really will work_.

The door swung open and two troopers entered, holding Rey’s discarded restraints and eyeing Chewbacca warily. Chewie rose to his feet and growled at their intrusion, causing them to flinch involuntarily. Kylo rolled his eyes at the guards’ cowardice and grabbed the restraints from the closest trooper’s hands. He moved towards Rey, but Chewie stepped forward and growled at him warningly.

“It’s okay, Chewie,” Rey assured him, standing up and placing a gentle hand on his hairy shoulder. The tall wookiee looked down at her with sad eyes before throwing his arms around her. The force of the hug was staggering, and Rey wondered if her bones might shatter underneath his incredible strength. But she didn’t pull away or ask him to stop. In fact, she didn’t mind if her bones turned to dust within her body. All that mattered was this moment…this embrace…this goodbye. Whatever hope she had that Kylo would save her friends didn’t seem to matter anymore. This felt final. A sob caught in her throat and Rey pressed her face into Chewbacca’s chest, inhaling deeply and memorizing his feel, his smell, his warmth. He growled softly as they broke apart, and Rey memorized his words too. Shyriiwook or not, she would never forget their meaning.

“I love you too, my friend,” she whispered.

Another series of guttural moans, and this time Rey couldn’t fight the smile that spread across her face.

“Yeah, I do think they’re waiting for you,” she replied through salty rivers. And she prayed to the Force that it was true.

“Rey,” Kylo warned, taking another step closer. “Time to go.”

Rey shot him a pained look, silently pleading for one more minute to say goodbye. His momentary hesitation was all the permission she needed. She turned now to Poe, still huddled on the floor, and sank to her knees before him.

“I will get that message to Finn…I promise you.”

He smiled at her, though it looked more like a grimace. Then he pulled her towards him until his lips were at her ear, and he whispered, so quietly she could barely hear him, “Don’t give up, Rey. Do what you need to do to escape, and don’t look back.”

Dumbfounded, Rey pulled back and looked into his eyes, which reflected the earnestness of his words. What did he mean by that? Was he referring to her power with the Force, or did he somehow know about Kylo’s proposal to spare her life?

Rey barely had time to ponder his curious advice before Kylo was clasping his gloved hand around her arm and yanking her roughly to her feet. He clearly didn’t appreciate Poe’s secretive whispering and now their goodbye was getting cut short. Panic rose in Rey’s chest as Kylo slapped the cuffs on her wrists and started dragging her towards the door.

“Wait!” she cried, her emotions now bordering on hysterical. “Kylo, wait!”

Poe attempted to rise, but his legs gave out under him and he fell flat on his face on the floor. Chewie ran to his aid, lifting his friend into a sitting position and growling in frustration. Rey shrieked, tears now pouring freely down her face and bile rising in her throat.

“Just give us another minute!” she pleaded with Kylo, twisting her neck around to look him dead in the eye.

“Time’s up,” he grunted. Addressing the two troopers still cowering near the door, he added, “Get the wookiee back to its cell.”

“Kylo, please!” she screamed once more, but it was no use. The word ‘no’ formed on her lips, but her throat had closed up, mercilessly forbidding further speech. She was being dragged out of the door now, moving past two more stormtroopers that filed into the room to help restrain Chewie. The wookiee was howling and flailing his arms wildly, but three of the guards pounced on him and managed to wrangle the restraints around his hairy wrists. Poe staggered onto his knees, trying desperately to help his friend, but the fourth trooper whipped out a heavy-looking baton and brought it down on the back of Poe’s head, silencing him instantly. Rey cried out once more at the sight of Poe’s unconscious body collapsing to the floor with a thud, but the door slammed shut, severing her last connection to two of her dearest friends.

She didn’t recall the walk back to her cell, but before she knew it she was being shoved through the door and down onto her cot. She looked up at the hazy image of Kylo Ren, blurred by the tears that filled her eyes and cascaded down her cheeks in sheets.

“You can’t do this, Kylo! Please let them go!”

He sighed. “What happened to ‘Ben’?”

Pain flashed down the bond at her, and she realized, too late, her mistake.

“Ben,” she whispered, trying to soothe his growing temper. “Ben, please. If you spare their lives I will do whatever you want. I’ll join you. We can rule the galaxy together, like you wanted. Please.”

He met her gaze with eyes that blazed like wildfire, though his face remained expressionless. They stared at each other in pained silence before Kylo turned on his heel and stalked out of the room. No reassurances. No compassion. No emotion.

The door shut behind him and Rey heard the lock click into place, trapping her inside the lavish quarters they called a prison cell. Silence surrounded her, driving hopelessness into her heart like a knife, twisting the hilt until her anguish spewed forth in sickly waves.

More silence, and she wept.


	15. Remorse

It was much too early to be awake, but sleep was a distant memory. For months he had been tormented by the sounds of her breathing as she slept each night. But somehow, impossibly, the absence of her soft snores was worse. He had grown accustomed to the noises…to feeling her presence nearby. But midnight had come and gone, hours had passed, and still nothing. She wasn’t sleeping, and neither was he.

The executions last night had been swift, painless. But effective. Rey and FN-2187 were now the only living Resistance fighters – well, besides the handful of transports that had somehow managed to elude Hux’s TIE fighters above Yavin 4. But Kylo didn’t care about the anonymous rabble of Resistance members that were still out there somewhere; the ones that mattered were dead.

_They’re dead_ , he repeated internally, as if to convince himself. But even as he said it he felt a pang of guilt. Not because he was sad that they had died, but because he was afraid of what _she_ would say. How she would feel.

“Force dammit!” he barked at the wall, anger growing inside of himself. Would this pathetic back-and-forth ever end? It was apparent after her visitation yesterday that she only cared about saving her friends…she would say anything, do anything, to keep them safe. Including manipulating him and agreeing to whatever terms he proposed. And so he hadn’t pardoned Dameron and Chewbacca…he had let them die with the rest. Living one moment, dead the next.

_So why do I feel like a monster?_

The ever-obnoxious, constantly-dissenting voice in his head reminded him that he cared about Rey…he didn’t want to see her hurt, and yet he couldn’t stop. Now he’d allowed two of her closest friends to die, despite her explicit begging to save them, and she would likely never forgive him. He felt like a hand was squeezing his heart and his stomach, mashing them into organic slop.

Now anger. He was letting her get to him again…he was being weak.

Remorse, pain, desperation, anger. Repeat. The cycle was never ending, and Kylo couldn’t handle it. He needed to see her. If she wanted to hate him, she might as well do it to his face.

Resolute, he threw a cowl on over his sleeping trousers and exited the room in a hurry. The hour was painfully early, but it didn’t matter; he knew she wasn’t sleeping, anyways.

 

He activated the lights as he entered her cell, but she wasn’t laying on her cot like he expected. Instead she sat huddled in the corner of the room, arms wrapped around her knees, visibly shivering, despite the perfectly good blanket on her cot. Kylo studied her carefully and was disturbed to see her swollen red eyes watching him coldly.

“What are you doing?” he asked her, shaken by the unexpected sight.

“You treated the other prisoners like animals. I’m one of them.” Kylo shuddered at the detached, emotionless manner with which she spoke.

“You’re not an animal,” he said, cautiously testing the waters.

“But they were?”

Kylo didn’t miss her use of the past tense. So she knew, then, that her friends had died last night. She already knew that he had let them die…like animals.

“I’m sorry, Rey.” It was all he could think to say and, frankly, it was true.

“No,” she breathed, narrowing her eyes. “You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to say sorry. This is your fault!”

“The First Order would have executed them with or without me,” he started to explain, but he knew his words were empty.

“You could have stopped them! You let it happen!”

Kylo dropped his gaze and paused for a long moment before responding. “I don’t know what to tell you, Rey. I don’t know how to make it better.”

“There’s nothing you can say. Just don’t pretend like you cared about them!”

“I’m not pretending like I cared about them…I _didn’t_ care about them! I care about _you_.”

She stared at him in silent disbelief, shaking her head in what Kylo assumed was disgust, before finally muttering, “If you cared about me you wouldn’t have killed my friends. It’s pretty simple…not that you have any concept of what it actually means to care about someone other than yourself.” Her words were venom, and they stung.

“I’m sure I deserve that, but it’s not true. I do care, Rey.” Kylo blushed at his own words; he hadn’t meant to pour out his feelings like this, but he couldn’t seem to help himself. The combination of guilt and fear from this situation was making him weak. _No, not weak. Vulnerable_ , he corrected himself. Thoughts he hadn’t even admitted to himself came pouring out of his mouth before he had the chance to stop them. “I’ve never met anyone like you, Rey. My whole life I’ve been surrounded by people that don’t understand. But you were different – _are_ different. You know what it’s like to be lonely, to be powerful, to be dangerous. I wanted you by my side from the moment I learned of your existence.” He took a deep breath and inched closer to the corner where she sat, now wide-eyed, staring up at him. “That feeling has only gotten stronger.”

“B-but you…you want me to die,” she said with a mixture of shock and embarrassment.

“I don’t want you to die. I want you alive…with me. I’ve never wanted anything more.”

Rey opened and closed her mouth, then repeated the gesture several more times, unable to find the right words to say.

Still appalled by his own boldness, Kylo attributed it to desperation. There were only two days left until she was slated for execution. She might as well have all of the facts before she made her decision. If she still refused him, then at least she would know what she’s giving up. She would be fully aware that she chose death over him and all that he offered. _Let that rest on her conscience, not mine._

“I don’t want to lose you, Rey. I am sorry about your friends…I didn’t want to hurt you.”

Rey put her head into her hands and began to sob. Kylo didn’t know what it meant; was she mourning for her friends, for herself, or for him? The sound of her crying tugged at his heart and he was overwhelmed with compassion for the girl. He had spent so many months trying to hate her, but now that he’d said his true feelings out loud he couldn’t hide from them. It was as if admitting them made them stronger…more real.

Grief rolled down the bond towards him and settled in his heart; he hated himself for making her feel like this. Slowly and quietly he walked towards her crouched figure. He reached out cautiously with his hand until it hovered a few inches above her shoulder in silent conflict. He wanted to touch her and take away even the smallest amount of suffering. Force energy radiated between his outstretched palm and her bare shoulder, daring him to close the gap. His fingers hesitated in midair, torn between desire and fear. But fear won. He lowered the hand to his side, retreated towards the door and headed out into the hallway beyond. A louder, heart-shattering sob echoed through the room as he left, but was abruptly silenced as the door clicked closed behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So much sadness :(  
> It probably feels like the angst and heartache will never end, and these two will never get their acts together. But the next chapter may just surprise you! All I'm saying is, get ready for some action of a different type ;)  
> I'm not promising that the peace will last long, but it's always nice to have a respite from too much negativity!
> 
> :D


	16. Desire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Kylo has gotten a pretty bad rap as the crazy, emotionally disturbed spaceboy. But he’s not the only one having serious mental and moral issues, as you’re about to find out…

Rey stared at a small fleck of dust that danced its way across the otherwise immaculate floor. The animated lint had been her only company for hours, and her eyes couldn’t bear to look away for fear that it would disappear like everything – and everyone – else in her life. A powerful shiver shook her body and set her teeth to chattering. Her itchy blanket lay untouched only a few feet away, but she refused to use it. Yesterday she had seen the squalor that her friends had been subjected to, and the thought of enjoying any First Order comforts now made her nauseous. Instead she lay curled up in the corner of her cell, head flat against the cold floor, watching her dust ball intently.

But it wasn’t enough to distract her from the thoughts she was trying so hard to avoid.

She had felt them die. The depth of her connection with Poe and Chewie had nearly broken her…when the moment came she had felt their fear, as cold and thrilling as if she had been on the execution block herself. And then…nothing.

When Master Luke had died it felt peaceful…like the Force was welcoming back an old friend. But last night…Poe and Chewie…that had been something else entirely. The Force had groaned under the burden of more senseless death. There was no feeling of warmth or purpose to comfort her grieving soul. There was only silence and pain.

All night she had sat in this corner and cried for them. And then _he_ came.

Kylo Ren had barged into her cell to apologize. She had been irate at first but then…then what? She couldn’t explain it. Something about the sincere manner in which he spoke, or the pleading look in his dark eyes, made her want to believe his apology. Guilt lanced through her chest in reaction to her compassionate thoughts, nearly paralyzing her with self-reproach. _How can I feel anything but disdain for him?!_

But she couldn’t pretend that part of her hadn’t ached for his comforting words. His apology should have meant nothing, but somehow it meant everything. And the things he had said afterwards about caring for her and wanting to be with her… _could that possibly be true?_ His words had sparked something inside of her that she couldn’t begin to comprehend. It was something she hadn’t felt since they’d touched hands in the hut on Ahch-To…something that felt wonderfully electrifying and yet painfully reprehensible.

Rey sat up suddenly and shook her head. She couldn’t begin to reconcile her overwhelming sorrow with her compassion for the man at the root of her suffering. She realized with a start that she needed – or wanted? – to see him. Immediately.

 

Concentrating with the Force, it was a mere matter of seconds before she was in his chamber and staring at his back from across the room. Rey’s heart leapt into her throat at the sight of him. Even from behind she could see that he was flushed and breathing heavily – clearly just back from an intense training session. Sweat glistened off of his bare back and his muscles shimmered in the soft light as he moved. She’d seen him shirtless before, but this time she had a full few seconds to admire his physique before he noticed her presence. But those few moments were enough for heat to pool in her cheeks and in her…well…she tried to ignore the rest.

She knew the moment he sensed her through the Force: his body went rigid and he let out a soft, incomprehensible sigh. He turned around slowly to face her, uncertainty clouding their bond. Rey took in the rest of his body, shuddering involuntarily at the sight of the long, jagged scar that cascaded angrily down his neck and across his collarbone, ending abruptly in the middle of his chest. But even the scar seemed to glimmer in the light reflected off of his sweat, creating the image of a powerful yet breathtakingly broken man. Rey had to force her eyes away from his chest and up to his face, which stared down at her with an intensity that elicited yet another shiver. Rey’s mouth was suddenly dry, and whatever thoughts she had planned on voicing disappeared with her saliva. He took a step closer and, despite still being half a room away, Rey’s heart began to pound against her rib cage, fighting to escape its confines. She was thankful when he spoke up first.

“What are you doing here, Rey?” His voice was soft, so unlike the Kylo she had come to know recently. But of course it was. The man staring down at her with wide, pleading eyes wasn’t Kylo Ren…this was Ben Solo. The same man that had shared a moment of companionship with her on Ahch-To and that had begged her to join him in the throne room. Between the grief for her friends and the tenderness for Ben, her heart felt swollen, like it couldn’t possibly take any more emotion.

Swallowing back the butterflies that threatened to escape her stomach, Rey responded with the only words her brain could string together: “I don’t know.”

“Look, about earlier,” he began, but was swiftly interrupted.

“Don’t. I didn’t come here for another apology.” _Why did I come?_

“I meant what I said earlier. I…” he paused, eyes locked on hers, for a long moment before finding the right words. “…I want you to join me, Rey.” He extended a hand towards her, just like he had done in the throne room so many months ago. Step by cautious step he approached her until his proffered hand was close enough for her to reach out and grab. His eyes smoldered with a fire that echoed the passion in his words. “I told you once that you were nothing. But to me…you’re everything.”

A single tear slid down her cheek, flowing over the dried remnants of the thousand tears she’d already shed. A barrage of conflicting emotions flooded her mind: sorrow for her lost friends; loathing for the First Order; anger at Kylo Ren; compassion for Ben Solo; desire to save herself and join her captor; and shame for even considering it. But his outstretched hand called to her…pulling her in like a magnet. It was as if the Force – or some equally powerful attraction – was compelling her towards him, and she no longer possessed the will to resist it.

Before she knew it her hand was reaching out towards him, inching along painfully slowly, until it lingered dangerously close to his. Their eyes seemed to drink each other in until they were drowning in the moment, utterly lost to the rest of the galaxy. And then Rey closed the gap.

Something like electricity passed between their grasped hands, and Rey had to fight back another onslaught of tears. She was surprised to see the same wetness reflected in his dark eyes, but she didn’t have long to dwell on it before he was tightening his grip on her hand and pulling her towards him. Rey allowed herself to be drawn into his body, still damp from sweat. Her free hand found his abdomen and rested there, creating a barrier between his chest and hers. Kylo’s – no, _Ben’s_ – hand traced a path up her arm and came to a rest on the back of her neck.

“I can’t pretend anymore,” he whispered in a husky voice. Rey’s heart pounded impossibly faster at the proximity of his body…his face…his lips. She blushed a deep shade of scarlet as he spoke, his warm breath sending shivers down her spine. “I need you, Rey.”

Images of Poe and Chewie flashed through her mind, and guilt lashed at her heart, wounding her with violent self-resentment. But now Ben’s face was leaning down to meet hers, his intoxicating eyes swirling with lust, and Rey’s mind went blank. Whatever shame, anger, remorse, or conflict had been there only seconds before was wiped clean; only this bizarre, unnerving moment remained.

When Ben’s lips met hers they were soft and forgiving, demanding nothing more than to be accepted. Rey remembered her kiss with Finn, so similar to this one – comforting and effortless. But there was something deeper here…something that lit a fire in the pit of her stomach. And when Ben deepened the kiss she didn’t object. His lips moved more urgently now, betraying the burning passion that brewed just beneath the surface. Heat bloomed between her thighs, and Rey responded by parting her lips and savoring the salty – yet surprisingly sweet – taste of his lips. Ben released the hand he’d been holding and wrapped his arms around her tightly, pressing their bodies together as if his very life depended on it. Rey’s free hands glided over the hard muscles of his back, fingernails digging into his skin as she mirrored his greed.

Hunger tore at the corners of her mind, clouding her already confused thoughts and replacing them with a longing that radiated from her belly to the very tips of her fingers and toes. This was all happening so quickly, and yet she didn’t want it to stop. When she pulled back to catch her breath, Ben’s lips traced her jawline and moved down to her neck. Much to Rey’s embarrassment, a moan escaped her lips, echoing around the empty chamber like a merciless taunt. Ben pulled back to look at her, but his expression was far from what she expected; his face, normally somber and filled with warring emotions, was now etched with only one: desire. She’d never seen that look on a man’s face before, much less on the face of a man she wanted so desperately, but that one glance set her world on fire. When their lips clashed together again it was with a vehemence that frightened her. Ben’s hands explored her body, tracing the soft curves of her waist and her butt, and finding their way to her chest. His lips, though still soft, now jealously claimed her as his own.

She didn’t remember moving backwards, but suddenly her back hit the wall and Ben pressed her roughly against it. One of his hands found her hair and began yanking on the leather ties that bound it into its usual trio of buns. The loose hair cascaded down her shoulders as he tangled his hand into the mess, pulling lightly downwards to tilt her chin up and expose the sensitive skin on her neck. Now his lips were on her throat, gently kissing and sucking, and working their way south to her collarbones. His free hand grabbed the top of her shirt and yanked down sharply, nearly exposing one of her breasts. Growling in frustration, he tore his lips away from her chest and seized the hem of her shirt, pulling it up and off in one swift motion. Rey gasped in shock and embarrassment – and at the cold chill that swept over her now bare upper body. But one look at Ben was enough to quell the embarrassment and erase any lingering chill. His expression was pained – almost tortured – with desire. He wanted her, desperately so, and she loved it.

Still ogling her half-naked body with a look of pure lechery, Ben knelt down before her and trailed his lips and tongue down her stomach. His hands found the laces on her trousers and began loosening them, though his mouth never left the soft skin of her abdomen. When he started pulling her trousers and underwear down, Rey’s mind went wild with excitement and more than a little panic. She’d never done this before…ever. _Will he know? Is it obvious?_ No man had seen her naked, much less been the one to remove her clothing. Anxiety and self-consciousness painted her thoughts brilliant shades of red; she squeezed her eyes shut, not knowing what to do or how else to react. At once all movement ceased.

“Rey, are you okay?” His words floated up to her, concern evident in his voice. She opened her eyes slowly and glanced down into his face, which stared up at her seriously…gently.

“I don’t know what I’m doing, Ben,” she whispered quietly, painfully embarrassed by her own naivety.

“I don’t know either,” he admitted in a gravelly voice, “but this feels right.”

Rey was taken aback by his confession; _has he really never done this before?_ But somehow she knew he was telling the truth. He never lied to her, and she loved that about him. They stayed like that for a long moment – Rey, completely exposed with her back against the wall, staring down at him, and Ben, knelt before her, eyes transfixed on her face – until he spoke up again.

“Do you want me to stop?”

If Rey knew anything at all it that moment, it was the undeniable, irrefutable answer to that question: “No.”

Exhaling the breath he’d apparently been holding, his mouth found her upper thigh and his hands grabbed her ass, trapping her lower body in a vice grip of eroticism. Rey moaned softly again; Ben responded with a growl of appreciation and began traveling north to the apex of her thighs, kissing her softly as he went. When he reached his destination Rey exhaled sharply, dazed by how powerful a single kiss could feel. And when his lips and tongue started exploring, she had to concentrate all of her energy just to remain standing. Rey curled her fingers into his wavy hair, still damp with sweat.

 _Is this normal? Is this what sex feels like? Oh Force, am I supposed to be doing something?_ The panicked thoughts swirled in her mind relentlessly, but the longer Ben spent down there, the less important the thoughts became. Each passing second brought increasingly powerful sensations, nearly overwhelming her with pleasure. Yet somehow the more intense the pleasure became, the more need she felt for the man between her legs. She wanted more than this…she wanted to feel him inside of her…to see him experiencing pleasure this potent. But there was no way in hell she was going to stop what he was doing. Before long her breathing became ragged and her knees threatened to buckle underneath her. But one of Kylo’s hands had moved to her chest, roaming covetously over her breasts and effectively pinning her upright against the wall. Suddenly the blissfully frustrating buildup became too much to bear; Rey cried out in release, twisting her fingers more tightly in Ben’s hair, who moaned in excitement and self-satisfaction.

Pulling back, Ben stared up into her face with a mixture of smugness and hunger that drove her crazy. Releasing her grip on his now-wild hair, Rey pushed him backwards into a sitting position on the floor and straddled him so that they were eye-to-eye, with nothing between them but the dark, complicated craving that ruled their present behavior. Despite the intensely satisfying experience she’d just had, Rey craved physical contact more than ever. She wanted – no, _needed_ – more.

When she leaned down to kiss him, Rey could taste herself on his lips, and it only heightened her desire. They both reached for the straps on Ben’s trousers at the same time, and together they fumbled with the laces until Ben was able to pull the pants down just enough to expose his erection. Rey blushed a furious shade of pink, torn between bashfulness and fascination. But when Ben ran a hand down its length and groaned in pleasure, she was powerless against the heat that pooled in her belly or the wetness that renewed itself between her legs.

Despite the fact that she’d never had as much as a conversation about this particular… _activity_ …before, Rey knew instinctively what to do. Situating herself above him, she sank slowly down onto his hardness and winced in pain as he slid deeper and deeper inside. Ben hissed beneath her, closing his eyes and furrowing his brow in what she hoped was pleasure, not pain.

“Is that okay?” she whispered, suddenly fearful that she was doing something wrong.

He opened his eyes, and the look of pure and feral hunger he gave her rendered his next words unnecessary: “Don’t stop, Rey.” His voice was deep and grating, and the combined sentiment was more than enough reassurance.

Slowly and cautiously, Rey began rocking her hips back and forth on top of him, relishing the indescribable feeling of fullness as the pain subsided with each movement. Her mind was thoroughly blank, free from all the anxiety, grief and conflict she’d been feeling for the past week. She basked in the simplicity of it all, savoring each precious moment of their carnal diversion. Before long that feeling of sweet tension was building again, and their Force bond became electrified with the mutual need to climax. Ben’s fingers gripped her sides tightly, almost painfully, and he wore an expression of unadulterated desire that bordered on torment.

The distinction between Rey and Ben blurred as their bodies and emotions tangled themselves into what felt like a single entity. The Force sizzled with energy, magnifying each sensation and sending shockwaves of pleasure down their bond. Life itself dissolved around them and all that mattered was this moment of escape. But much too soon it was over, and Rey was left, breathless and exhausted, staring down at her captor – Kylo Ren, Master of the Knights of Ren, Supreme Leader of the First Order.

Something resembling guilt tugged at the corner of her mind, but she shoved it away immediately. All she wanted was to prolong this feeling of contentment. _Plus, this isn’t Kylo Ren._ No, the man she was staring down at was still Ben Solo. And his eyes, wide and brimming with emotion, marveled up at her in silence. If she wasn’t mistaken, those eyes betrayed more than lust…but Rey couldn’t begin to contemplate that right now. Flustered by the intensity of his gaze and the terrifying sentiment that it carried, Rey extracted her legs from around his waist and laid down next to him on the hard floor, burying her face in his side. His large, powerful arms surrounded her and cradled her body against his with a surprising gentleness.

Neither of them spoke a word.


	17. Contentment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Kylo talk too much...I thought we could all use another chapter with minimum dialogue ;)

Kylo Ren awoke with an unusually light heart and a contented mind; the anger and conflict that typically burdened him upon waking were noticeably absent. Sleepily, he turned his head to the side and found, much to his disappointment, that he was alone. _And not in my bed_ , he realized. He was still laying on the floor of his private quarters, half-naked and wholly disheveled. He sat up, grimacing at the tightness in his back from a full night’s sleep on the hard ground. And the ground wasn’t the only thing that was conspicuously hard…even after an impossibly gratifying night, he now found that his state of arousal was still present…and painfully so. Scrambling to his feet, Kylo laced up his trousers, threw on a discarded cowl from the previous day, and began pulling on a pair of black boots.

_Where am I going?_ he asked himself, though he already knew the answer. He was going to see _her_. Just the thought brought an exceedingly rare smile to his lips. Last night had been…indescribable. For so many months he’d been wracked with anger and jealousy and rejection and anguish…but now his feelings were clear. Every ounce of doubt he had was erased: Rey was finally and irrevocably his. He would pardon her, cancel her execution, and together they would lead the galaxy into an era of peace and order. The thought of having Rey by his side was nearly enough to make him giddy. He hadn’t realized how heavy her execution had been weighing on his conscience, but now that it was lifted he felt buoyant and relieved. As if anything was possible. He wanted to chase that feeling and then cling to it forever. And that meant seeing Rey…immediately.

Once his clothing was properly fastened and his hair was tamed enough to pass as presentable, he turned to leave the room but stopped short when he noticed a pile of clothing on the floor: Rey’s clothes. _That’s curious_ , he thought, marveling briefly at the mechanics of their Force bond. Picking up the clothing and deciding that the quirks of the Force were outside the scope of his current interests, Kylo bounded out the door of his room and headed straight for the detention blocks. He licked his lips and discovered that her taste was still there…even in her absence she managed to tease him. Groaning internally, he picked up the pace, racing along as quickly as possible without attracting too much attention. As Supreme Leader he was free to act as he pleased, but he didn’t think it was a good idea to advertise his excitement this early in the morning…the rumors would inevitably lead back to Hux, and the insufferable general was the last person Kylo wished to speak to today.

When he reached her cell, the pair of stormtroopers assigned to guard the door stood at attention, silent but clearly curious as to the purpose of his early morning visit.

“You will return to your quarters and forget this interaction,” Kylo stated simply, imbuing his words with the will of the Force.

“We will return to our quarters and forget this interaction,” they repeated in almost-mechanical unison. At once the troopers abandoned their posts and headed in the direction of the crews’ quarters. Kylo listened as their heavy footfalls retreated down the corridor and around a corner until they were out of earshot. Settling his nerves with a deep breath, he opened the door and stepped inside, carefully locking it behind him. The room was pitch black and silent, save the soft sounds of steady breathing from the far side of the cell. Activating the lights, Kylo squinted through the blinding brightness to Rey’s sleeping figure in the cot, curled up and looking more peaceful than he’d ever seen her. In fact, he seemed to have forgotten just how young she looked when she wasn’t weighted down with grief and sorrow. Waking her up suddenly seemed like a grievous offense and he paused mid-stride, second-guessing his decision to come. But Rey stirred and rolled to face him, opening her eyes slowly and taking in the scene.

“Ben?” Her voice was soft and throaty, and it did nothing to ease the uncomfortable tightness in his trousers.

“I didn’t mean to wake you,” he said, though he resumed his approach to the bed. Rey sat up quickly, blushing furiously and clutching the blanket to her chest when she realized she was naked. Kylo raised his arm towards her and smiled sheepishly at the assortment of clothing in his outstretched hand. “These were in my room,” he explained lamely.

“Oh.”

The deep red hue of her cheeks betrayed her mortification, but Kylo barely noticed; his thoughts were hopelessly distracted by what lay beneath the blanket.

“I…erm…I’ll just leave these…here,” he muttered, awkwardly setting the pile of clothing down on the floor. He had left his room in a state of near-euphoria, but his confidence had faded away the instant he walked into this room. Now he was left feeling self-conscious and doubtful, wondering if perhaps she regretted their previous nights’ endeavors. Kylo tried to read her emotions over the bond, but whatever real feelings she had were overshadowed by embarrassment, not unlike her flushed countenance.

“Thank you.” The two words hung heavily in the air between them, adding more uncertainty to Kylo’s thoughts. They stared at each other in uncomfortable silence, neither volunteering to address the bantha in the room.

_Shit, should I say something? Does she want me to leave? Should I give her privacy to get dressed?_ The thoughts poured relentlessly into Kylo’s head, creating a mild panic that further confused his already spinning brain. _But those eyes._ He focused on her brilliant amber eyes, staring at him so intently and trying so hard to convey a message. But what was the message? Concentrating on the Force, Kylo prodded her emotions over the bond more deeply this time, silently imploring her for an explanation. And there it was…the one flickering emotion that he recognized through the storm of confusion: desire.

Almost immediately Kylo felt a similar flame of hunger ignite in his lower belly, gnawing at his hesitance to approach her. Seconds passed in agony as they stared at each other, tension growing between them until it was impossible to ignore. Until the room was sweltering with suspense, the very air boiling as the Force strained under the pressure of their increasingly potent connection. They waited in quiet resistance, neither daring to so much as blink. But even the waiting was thrilling, as if each passing second heightened Kylo’s need for her touch…for her lips…for her body. He felt the familiar tug of arousal, and instinctively he took a step towards her, breaking their silent competition of wills.

Still sitting up in bed, blanket grasped to her chest, Rey’s eyes widened at his approach. And then she licked her lips; whether she did it consciously or unconsciously he didn’t know, but it was the final straw. Something squirmed violently in Kylo’s gut, and the last of his indecision vanished. 

With determination in his step, Kylo closed the distance to the cot and towered over her briefly, steeling his nerves for his next move. Eyes still locked on Rey’s, he reached down and placed his hand on top of hers where it held the blanket to her chest. Energy flowed through their connected skin, creating a sensation akin to an electric shock. Rey winced at the powerful contact, but she didn’t pull away. Instead she allowed him to lower her hand to her stomach, effectively uncovering her upper body, which instantly became dotted with gooseflesh in the cold air. But he didn’t stop there; releasing her hand and grabbing the blanket, Kylo pulled it, inch by inch, down the length of her body until she was completely exposed. Standing up straight, his eyes roved her body possessively, taking in every curve and feature. He had never seen someone so beautiful…so radiant. He wanted to explore every inch of her body with his hands, his lips and his tongue. He wanted to make her feel the way he had last night…when he’d felt her pleasure over the bond as strongly as he’d felt his own.

Suddenly there was a hand on his chest, and Kylo was ripped from his lustful thoughts. Turning his head to meet her gaze, Kylo saw that she was looking up at him with the same expression she’d worn last night: lips slightly parted, eyes wide and pupils dilated, brow furrowed in anticipation. She wanted him just as badly as he wanted her…there was no remaining doubt.

In one swift move Kylo had his own shirt off and tossed to the ground, forgotten. Now Rey’s hand was on the bare skin of his chest, absently stroking the muscles of his abdomen as she watched his hands fumble with the laces on his trousers. Kylo stared at her small hand as it worked its way across his chest and stomach; something about her fingers on his skin made the task of unfastening his pants that much more difficult. When he finally managed to loosen them enough, he kicked off his boots and removed his remaining articles of clothing, his eyes still glued to her hand…her hand that began traveling south until it was dangerously close to his manhood. Kylo’s thoughts ran wild with longing, but when he reached down to press her shoulders onto the bed he suddenly felt stiff, almost paralyzed, like his arms were no longer responding to his brain’s directives. His eyes darted to Rey’s face, only to find a small smirk hiding beneath her mischievous eyes. _Fuck_ , he thought, realizing that she was using the Force to control his body. The very idea was simultaneously frightening and thrilling, but he couldn’t bring himself to fight back. Her hand was already back on its original course, tracing its way down his abdomen and finding its painfully erect destination. When her hand closed around him he exhaled sharply, and when she began moving her hand gently up and down he couldn’t suppress the shudder that shook his body. Closing his eyes, he savored the pleasure that radiated from his groin to the farthest reaches of his extremities. Opening his eyes, he watched her chest, moving up and down erratically, mirroring his own ragged breathing. When he could no longer handle her teasing, Kylo broke free of her control and shoved her down onto the bed roughly, pinning her body down with his own weight.

Staring down into her intoxicating eyes, Kylo paused and allowed himself to drink in the moment, relishing the feel of her body under his and the warmth of her breath on his face. But her lips taunted him, drawing him in, and before long his lips were on hers and she was moaning into his mouth, begging for more. His lips and tongue explored her neck, her breasts, her stomach, and lingered in the sweet spot between her thighs. Just like last night, he could feel her pleasure, mingled with hunger, cascading down the bond and amplifying his own need to find release. Kylo made his way back up to her mouth, tracing his fingers greedily over her body as he went, memorizing every detail.

“Ben,” Rey whispered quietly, almost pleadingly, into his ear.

“Rey?” he asked, mimicking her low voice and meeting her desperate gaze.

“Please.”

Kylo groaned audibly, intensely aroused by her begging, but he pressed her: “What do you want?”

“You.”

The air escaped from his lungs in an instant, replaced with a hot and thick desire stronger than anything he’d ever felt. She didn’t have to ask twice; he shifted his hips and was inside of her before she had a chance to blink. Rey responded with a loud moan, which only further inflamed Kylo’s craving. He began moving inside of her, slowly at first and then faster, harder, until they were both breathing harshly and building to that sweet peak. Her fingernails dug into his skin painfully as she arched her back, wordlessly pleading for more. He was close now, and he could feel that she was even closer, teetering on the edge of climax. The wetness in her eyes and the flushed color in her cheeks drove him forward, thrusting harder just to watch the expression on her face change. When she finally peaked he felt it physically and emotionally, and when she moaned his name into his neck he followed her into blissful release. His few seconds of pleasure passed like a fleeting breeze, and he opened his eyes and watched her face as it registered the final moments of her own orgasm.

He leaned down to kiss her and she moaned loudly, parting her lips lazily and allowing him to deepen the kiss. Contentment settled in Kylo’s gut; he hardly knew how to contain his satisfaction. He stared down into her face, silently taking pride in the fact that her eyes were still squeezed shut. Kylo nuzzled his face into her neck, kissing it lightly and hugging her body tightly.

In that moment his feelings for the woman beneath him were unexpectedly and overwhelmingly powerful. Never in a million lifetimes did he imagine he was even capable of feeling this way. It was as if he’d spent his entire life shivering in the dark, and now here she was…his own personal sun. Turning away from her would be impossible…inconceivable…he needed her light. He needed _her_.

“I love you.” The words escaped his lips before he could stop them. _Fuck_. Pushing himself up onto his arms, he looked down fearfully into her now-wide eyes as they processed his words. A long, agonizing moment passed before she opened her mouth to respond.

“Ben, I─”

“No,” he interrupted her, pressing one of his large hands to her mouth to prevent whatever words were going to come spilling out. “Don’t.” He waited until he was sure she wasn’t going to respond before he removed his hand. Another moment crept by in heavy silence before he covered her mouth with his own, kissing her again to wash away the mortifying moment. Heat bloomed in his stomach again, and he felt her hands grip his shoulders, pulling his body back down onto hers.

He didn’t know what had possessed him to utter those three words. For months he had been convinced that he hated her…wanted her to die…even wanted to kill her himself. But that had all been a lie to cover up the pain of rejection. Because the truth was that he _did_ love her. And it didn’t matter if she didn’t love him yet. She would. And he would never have to let her go. Elated, he pressed his body flat against hers and felt his hardness return, digging into her and eliciting yet another moan from her throat. And with that he was lost once more in _her_.

 

 

Hours had come and gone and he couldn’t bring himself to leave her cell. He had duties to attend to, executions to cancel, but here he was…lying in a lumpy, uncomfortable cot with a prisoner sleeping peacefully in his arms.

 

_Inhale,_

_Exhale_

 

Kylo closed his eyes and buried his face in her hair, inhaling deeply and absorbing her sweet scent. He wanted to freeze this moment and lock it away in a safe place…a place that could never be spoiled or damaged by the reality of this life. His fingers brushed the bare skin of her stomach lightly, marveling at the way the Force connected them physically, emotionally and mentally.

 

_Inhale,_

_Exhale_

 

The sound that had haunted him for months was now a peaceful melody, filling his heart with sickeningly sweet emotions he hadn’t realized he was capable of feeling. Love was among them, plucking at his heartstrings and filling a void he didn’t even know existed.

 

_Inhale,_

_Exhale_

 

_I really should go_ , he scolded himself. The next pair of guards would be arriving for their shift soon, and he would do well to avoid their suspicions. Groaning internally, he extracted his arms from Rey’s body, careful not to wake her. Without a sound he threw on his clothes and laced up his boots, watching Rey’s peaceful figure as he dressed. Once all his clothing was appropriately assembled, he walked to the side of her cot and stared down into her face.

An emotion hit him then, powerful and terrible, like a blaster bolt to the chest: fear. He couldn’t explain where it had come from, or why his heart was suddenly beating like a drum, but he was painfully aware of it. It was as if the Force was alerting him to a disaster that hadn’t yet occurred…a premonition, of sorts. Dread gripped his heart, squeezing until he thought it might burst out of his chest in a gory explosion of flesh and blood. _What am I afraid of?_ he wondered, panicking. And then the answer hit him. For some reason beyond his comprehension, this felt like it was the last time he would see her like this…peaceful…happy…content. The notion chilled him to the bone, replacing his previous elation with icy apprehension.

 

_Inhale,_

_Exhale_

 

_No_. He shut off the thoughts immediately, refusing to succumb to their power. Whatever foreboding thoughts he was having had no basis in reality… _they can’t._ It was just his mind’s twisted way of preventing him from experiencing happiness, and nothing more.

Kylo leaned down and kissed her forehead gently, praying to the Force that it wouldn’t be for the last time. With one last lingering glance at her untroubled face, Kylo turned and stalked out of the room, desperately clinging onto hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happily ever after is THAT easy?? Think again..


	18. Hope

_So this is what desperation feels like_ …

“No.” Rey said the word aloud to quell the cruel accusations of her own mind.

_I slept with the man that slaughtered my friends._

“No.”

_Yes._

“No!” This time she shouted the word into the empty air of her chamber, hoping to permanently silence her arguing mind. _I did what I needed to do_ , she assured herself, though that too was a lie. She had wanted it, and it was useless denying that fact. But her guilt-ridden conscience disagreed.

Rey had woken up alone in her uncomfortable cot, completely naked and exposed – physically and emotionally. A fresh tray of meat and potatoes had been waiting for her by the door, still steaming. She realized that she’d slept the entire day away, giving her approximately 24 hours until she was scheduled to die. The weight of her execution settled deep in her gut, and she spent the next two hours trying to process what had happened with Ben.

Somehow, impossibly, she’d forgotten the gravity of her situation and had lost herself in _him_. Last night and this morning had been inexpressibly pleasurable. _And is it just my imagination, or did he say he loved me?_ The memory brought heat to her cheeks and a squirming sensation to her stomach, though she couldn’t identify whether the feeling was good or bad. Either way, it was uncomfortable, so she brushed past the recollection hastily. Despite the pleasure she’d experienced, or perhaps because of it, she couldn’t shake the shame in her heart. Her friends had died… _he_ had let them die…and she hopped in bed with him as if nothing had happened. The reality of that fact was disturbing. _It was for a good cause_ , her brain protested, reminding her of the promising consequences of her actions. _Yes, I’ve potentially saved three lives._ And there it was: the hope that she hardly dared to entertain. _Ben Solo can, and perhaps will, still save me and Finn._

Rey clung to that hope, wanting desperately to believe that Ben was fully transformed. Surely he would cancel the last two executions and flee from the First Order with her and Finn. Together they would find the remains of the Resistance and start from scratch, building the new Resistance from the ground up and making her friends’ deaths mean something. _He loves me…he’ll agree to the plan._ It was her only hope. Gathering up her clothes from where Ben had placed them yesterday, she dressed quickly and then sat on the edge of her cot. There was nothing to do now but wait.

 

Another hour passed in silence before Rey heard the lock click out of place and watched as the door swung open slowly to reveal the tall, broad figure of Ben Solo. His expression was pleased, happy even, but she sensed a trace of foreboding radiating from his side of the Force bond. Ignoring the fear, she focused instead on his cheerful countenance and allowed that small seed of hope to flower in her chest.

“Ben,” she hopped to her feet and greeted him brightly, hoping it wasn’t too much.

“Rey.” He nodded at her and she thought she saw the flicker of a smile grace his lips. “You’re free to go,” Ben stated, indicating with his head towards the door.

“What do you mean?”

“You’re pardoned.” Now his smile was unmistakable.

“Just like that?” She was more than a little confused, but she couldn’t keep the giddiness out of her voice.

“Just like that. I’m the Supreme Leader, remember? I don’t have to ask permission.” Smugness crept into his smile, but it only endeared Rey to him more.

“And Finn too?” she asked happily.

The air in the room immediately went stiff and a shadow passed over Ben’s face. Rey watched as his joviality turned sour: the color drained from his face and his shoulders visibly slumped. She knew instantly that she had been wrong to hope for so much. By the time he had fully absorbed her words, his expression was stony and the air around them was a turbulent storm of Force energy.

“What did you just ask me?” he growled, his eyes narrowed warningly.

“I thought…” she drifted off, not sure how to explain how miserably wrong she’d been.

“What exactly did you expect was going to happen?” His voice was dangerously low and his fists were clenched at his sides, shaking with fury.

“I thought you would pardon us and then help us escape back to the Resistance,” she mumbled, fearful of his rage. When he didn’t respond, she added, “There’s still time to find the escaped members and rebuild. They’ll accept you back, Ben. I promise.” Rey eyed him cautiously as she spoke, trying to gauge his reaction, but his face was expressionless. When it was clear that she was finished speaking, Ben closed his eyes and exhaled slowly, as if trying to rid his body of this conversation.

“What indication have I ever given you that that was what I wanted?” He spoke slowly, carefully crafting his voice into a steady and emotionless platform for his heated words. “You’re the prisoner here. You don’t get to decide what happens next. You should be grateful to leave with your life.”

“Grateful?!” The word struck a nerve and her own happiness turned to acid. “You’ve murdered all of my friends and I’m supposed to be grateful?!” _That’s insane!_

“Don’t forget that you were supposed to be among them! I’m saving you, not you _and_ the traitor you call a friend!” He was yelling now, but Rey’s anger easily matched his.

“If you want _me_ then you have to pardon Finn!”

“Absolutely not. He will die tomorrow, as scheduled, and you will not. Think about it, Rey,” he said, his voice growing softer. “We don’t need the Resistance. With the full strength of the First Order at our backs, we can rule the galaxy in whatever way we see fit. _They_ will bow to _us_ , not the other way around.”

Rey couldn’t believe what she was hearing. It was the throne room all over again, as if nothing had changed since then. _Why does he think I’ve changed my mind?!_

“No, Ben! I’m not going to align myself with the First Order. And I am _not_ going to sit idly by as my last friend gets murdered!”

“Yes, you are,” he growled, stepping forward until he was towering over her threateningly.

“No.” She forced as much courage and will into that single word as she could muster. If either of them was backing down, it wasn’t going to be her. Ben seemed to believe her this time, and his eyes turned downwards to stare at the floor. When he spoke his voice was soft and strained.

“What about last night? Or this morning? Did that mean nothing?”

Rey’s heart bled at his wounded words, but she couldn’t turn her back on Finn. “We can still be together if you leave with us.”

He closed his eyes again and tilted his head back, silently refusing her offer.

“Okay, then. Just pardon Finn…let him leave here unharmed. I’ll stay here with you and we can figure it out from there.” Rey hated herself for even considering it, but what other choice did she have? She didn’t want to die, and there was no way in hell she was going to let Finn die. She couldn’t…wouldn’t. Never.

“That’s not the deal, Rey,” Ben sighed, opening his eyes and finding her gaze once more. His eyes shone in the bright white light of her cell, glistening with tears that teetered on the edge but refused to fall.

“I’m not going to leave Finn to die. Don’t ask me to do that.” Tears now streamed freely down her own cheeks and she reached a cautious hand out to touch his chest. The gesture was manipulative, she knew that, but she didn’t exactly have a lot of options. She had to convince him one way or the other.

She pressed her palm flat against his chest for a long moment, feeling his heavy heartbeat beneath her fingers, seemingly ticking down the remaining seconds of her life. But he suddenly stepped backwards and her hand dropped to her side, cold and leaden.

“You would rather die than join me?” His eyes held her gaze, silently imploring her for the answer he needed to hear.

“It’s not like that, Ben, I─”

“You’re choosing him over me.” It was a statement, not a question, and it burned white hot with accusation.

“I…I just…I don’t…” she floundered desperately for the right words, but the gravity of the situation was slowly sinking in and her stomach was churning violently. Torn between grief and nausea, she finally managed to whisper, “Don’t make me choose.”

The tears he had been holding back now spilled from his eyes, dancing in rivulets down his cheeks. “Fuck!” The word echoed off of the walls and surrounded them, filling every inch of silence until it was unbearable. Ben paced back and forth frantically before stopping in front of her again and roughly grabbing her upper arms in his gloved hands. “I love you, Rey.”

Rey had to stifle a sob, though she couldn’t restrain the fresh surge of tears that flowed unchecked down her cheeks.

“I know.” It was all she could think to say, but it fell wildly short of what she wanted to tell him. She was disappointed in him…no, she was disappointed in _herself_. She had failed herself and she had failed Finn. And she had broken the man in front of her, perhaps beyond repair. Without thinking about what she was doing, she reached her hand up and rested it on the side of his face, using the pad of her thumb to gently trace the scar on his cheek. _She_ had done that. And so much worse.

They stood like that, frozen still, for a painful moment before Ben – no, Kylo – pulled away. Rey could see the look of betrayal in his eyes, and the harrowing feeling of despair from his end of the bond. She had tried to save three people, and instead all three of them would be utterly destroyed. She didn’t need his agony leaking down the bond to feel it in her own gut, hot and thick, threatening to displace the contents of her stomach. Rey watched, heartbroken, as Kylo turned away from her and walked to the door.

“Please,” she called out to him in a final, desperate plea. Kylo paused, hand on the door, for what felt like an eternity of indecision. In reality it was only a matter of seconds before he opened the door and walked out.

Panic welled in her chest, constricting her throat and shredding her heart to blood-soaked pieces. “No!” she screamed, again and again and again. She fell to her knees on the floor, sobbing and shrieking at the closed door. And then the lock clicked back into place, and she came undone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn :(


	19. Hatred

“So the execution is back on?”

“Do I need to repeat myself for your imbecilic brain to register my words?”

“No, Supreme Leader,” Hux grunted, clearly enraged by Kylo’s insult but too cowardly to respond with anger. “I will make the appropriate preparations.”

Kylo ignored the orange-haired man, instead fingering the lightsaber at his belt and imaging all of the gruesome ways he could kill him, right then and there. Hux hesitated momentarily, but when Kylo didn’t respond he dismissed himself and skulked out of the blast doors and into the hallway beyond.

Pain sliced through Kylo’s chest like a knife and he doubled over in pain, clinging to the observation window for support. Groaning loudly, he attempted to straighten up and instead found himself on his knees, clutching his chest.

“Supreme Leader? What’s wrong?” It was one of the stormtroopers that had accompanied Hux to the bridge, and apparently hadn’t left with him. Kylo peered around the room through squinted eyes and realized with a start that there was not one, but two troopers present. _Did Hux instruct them to stay here and keep an eye on me?_ he wondered briefly, but then dropped the thought. He couldn’t begin to guess at Hux’s motives, and the only thing that really mattered now was the searing pain in his chest and the sickening rage in his heart. His fingers found the cold metal hilt of his saber, practically begging to be ignited.

“Sir?” The second trooper had approached his other side, bending down to stare at Kylo’s tortured face.

Without warning Kylo lashed out, activating his saber and slashing at his surroundings with a single, awe-inspiring stroke. The two troopers clattered lifelessly to the ground, no longer witnesses to their Supreme Leader’s weakness. _Hux will think twice before spying on me again._ Kylo spared a quick glance at his handiwork, grimacing at the grotesque juxtaposition of thick, sticky blood on their brilliantly white armor. Without a second glance, he stormed off of the bridge and began walking aimlessly through the seemingly endless corridors of the _Finalizer_. He needed a distraction…anything…to keep his thoughts away from _her_.

_Her._ Rey. The filthy scavenger from Jakku. The piece of desert trash that should have stayed put on the desolate wasteland she called a home.

_She is nothing. Nothing. Not to me…not to anyone._

He wanted the words to be true, but they were hopelessly hollow. _Force!_ How many times would she have to betray him before he stopped caring? _That’s easy_ , he thought sadistically, _she’ll never have the chance to betray me again_. The execution was scheduled for the following night. It would be broadcasted live to every planetary system, every device…there wouldn’t be a sentient being in the galaxy that wasn’t watching the final prisoners die…Hux would make sure of that. Sadness leaked into Kylo’s thoughts, but he quickly snuffed it out, forcing himself to wallow in anger, not sorrow. Anger was easy.

Along with the anger came jealousy, clawing at his heart and stomach until his insides squirmed with hot emerald blood. FN-2187. _Finn_. That fucking bastard. This was his fault, really. If that traitorous slime hadn’t betrayed the First Order then none of this would have happened. The troopers would have collected the BB-unit on Jakku and the map to Skywalker would have been in his hands. And, most importantly, Kylo would have never crossed paths with _her_. But now, because of a single rogue stormtrooper, she was going to die. _If only Rey could see that logic, then maybe she wouldn’t be pinning away in her cell for the traitor._

The heart-wrenching thought brought on yet another wave of rage; red tendrils crept into his vision and Kylo snatched his lightsaber from his belt and ignited it, peering around for a target.

 

Kylo opened his eyes slowly and glanced at his surroundings. Somehow he had lost track of time…blacked out, maybe. He didn’t know where he was, or how he’d gotten there. But he’d certainly made a mess of things. The normally-white corridor was charred black and riddled with violent gouges that rent the metal walls from floor to ceiling. Blood splattered the opposite wall, dripping from the torn metal and pooling on the floor. Sprawled out at the edge of the sickly crimson puddle was the body of a stormtrooper…or what _had_ been a stormtrooper before they’d been disemboweled, leaving a trail of intestines snaking along the floor as they’d tried to crawl away. Kylo looked down at his hand, clenched tightly around his still-ignited lightsaber, which crackled and spat in the quiet corridor, casting an eerie red glow on the already gruesome scene. _Oops_.

Slowly, he turned around and found that he was standing directly in front of a prison cell. _Go figure_ , he mused sarcastically, unsurprised that his blind rage had led him to her door. But when he caught a glance of the cell number, he realized he was wrong. This wasn’t Rey’s door at all. Peering at the numbers, he tried to remember who had been assigned to 3210.

_Of course_.

 

When he stepped inside the room he was hit with a blast of foul air. Kylo wasn’t in the habit of visiting prisoners in this detention block; and Rey had been right: her cell was luxurious compared to the cramped, sordid sties of the other prisoners. Unwilling to let the putrid stench and questionable sanitation derail his hatred, Kylo took a deep breath and focused instead on the cowering figure in the corner.

“What the─?!” the prisoner began to shout before words utterly failed him. Kylo smiled wickedly, deriving pleasure from the shock and terror written on the face of the man he detested so thoroughly.

“Enjoying your stay?” Kylo asked maliciously, sneering at the wide-eyed ex-stormtrooper.

“Get the hell away from me or I swear I’ll…” Finn’s words trailed off as his eyes connected with the weapon of pure destruction grasped tightly in Kylo’s hand. Even unlit, his lightsaber inspired dread in its enemies; Kylo’s smile broadened, looking impossibly more sinister.

“Even if you were hiding a weapon under that filthy rag you’d be no match for me. Unless of course you forgot what happened last time?”

Finn’s eyes narrowed at the mention of their fight on Starkiller Base, but otherwise he didn’t take the bait. And that only exacerbated Kylo’s rage.

“You’re going to pay for what you’ve done!” Kylo screamed at him, losing the tenuous control he was maintaining over his temper.

“I haven’t done anything!” Finn yelled back, leaping to his feet but keeping a healthy distance from Kylo and his death-weapon.

Kylo reigned in his fury and approached Finn slowly, until he was looking the traitor dead in the eye. His chest heaved with each ragged breath, but Kylo managed to keep his voice dangerously calm as he said, “You betrayed the First Order. You dragged Rey into this mess. And because of it I’m going to make sure you suffer.”

His words had an immediate effect on Finn, whose eyes widened and mouth fell open in horror. But it wasn’t for the reason Kylo imagined.

“What have you done with Rey?” Finn asked, his voice teetering between anger and panic.

_They’re like two peas in a Force-damned pod_ , Kylo mused miserably, hating Finn that much more for caring about Rey in return. _I bet Finn wouldn’t have killed her friends and imprisoned her with the threat of execution_. The notion was too much to bear…just the simple idea that Rey was actually justified in choosing Finn over him sent shockwaves of resentment down his spine.

Without warning Kylo roared like an enraged rancor and punched Finn in the mouth, channeling the Force into his fist to deliver maximum damage. The ex-stormtrooper staggered backwards, holding his face and spitting mouthfuls of blood onto the tiled floor.

“What the hell─” he started to shout, but was interrupted as Kylo took a step closer and got up in his face, speaking in a low and urgent voice.

“Rey is going to die because of you. Her death is on _your_ conscience. I hope that knowledge eats you alive.”

“I swear I didn’t do anyth─!” Finn’s protest was silenced by yet another bone-crunching hit – this one to his rib cage. He doubled over at the waist, wincing and retching as the pain radiated through his bones.

Kylo leaned down until his face was nearly brushing Finn’s ear, so close he could smell the rancid odor of the prisoner’s soiled, unwashed clothing.

“You’re going to beg for death, and I’m going to give it to you slowly. I wonder if you’ll squeal like your friend Dameron.”

At Kylo’s words, Finn lost it. He pounced on the Supreme Leader, throwing his hands around the older man’s neck and screaming obscenities in his face. Kylo was taken aback at the sudden outburst, but he quickly regained his senses and peeled the ex-trooper off of him with the Force. Finn spiraled through the air and hit the wall before slumping into a pile on the floor. As he watched Finn struggle to regain his footing, Kylo’s face contorted with a mixture of hatred and sadistic pleasure. He had never loathed anyone as much as he loathed this man…even his hated for Hux paled in comparison. _But he will receive his punishment tomorrow…not today._

Kylo turned on his heel and stepped towards the door, feeling worse than ever and wondering why he’d come here in the first place, when he was stopped cold by Finn’s voice from behind him.

“You can pretend to be mad at me, or at the next sorry person that crosses your path,” Finn said, leaning against the wall for support, “but I know who you’re really mad at. You’ve killed every single person in this galaxy that loved you. And now you’re going to kill _her_. She trusted you…but you never deserved that trust, and deep down you know it.”

Silence hung over them like a storm cloud, brewing with ice-cold hostility and white-hot rage. Kylo turned around with fists clenched and blood boiling in his veins; he fixed Finn with a crippling glare, trying hard to restrain his anger so he wouldn’t kill the man before his expiration date.

“I didn’t kill anyone that loved me,” he spat through gritted teeth. “ _No one_ loved me.”

“General Organa lov─”

“Don’t speak to me about her!” Kylo bellowed, losing grip on his temper and feeling the menacing reverberations through the Force. His thoughts flitted to Rey, who could probably feel his anger from her cell, but having her in the back of his mind only inflamed his desire to kill the pathetic ex-trooper he was staring at.

“Rey doesn’t deserve to be added to your list. She l─” but Finn’s words died on his lips. Kylo threw his hand out and used the Force to slam the other man’s head into the metal wall. The impact was accompanied by a sickening crunch so loud that it shook the contents of Kylo’s stomach. The Supreme Leader paused for a moment, staring at Finn’s motionless body, waiting with bated breath for a telltale sign of life. And there it was…through the Force he felt warmth and a slow heartbeat. Exhaling in relief – and only a small flicker of disappointment – he resumed his march to the door and out into the corridor beyond.

As quickly as he could, Kylo locked the cell door and fled the scene of his earlier outburst. Someone would discover this bloodbath soon enough, and he wasn’t in the mood to deal with their frightened and silently judgmental stares. He raced down the corridors, but he was unable to flee the incessant thoughts of his mind.

_How dare he say they loved me?! They never loved me…not my mother, certainly not my father. And not Rey._ Every one of them had resented him and pushed him away, and they paid the ultimate price. And as far as Kylo was now concerned, Rey was no exception…


	20. Desperation

When he came it was like darkness settling in for a long, frigid winter night. He blew into her cell as an icy wind, biting at the frayed corners of her mind and the shattered remnants of her heart. Any light, any warmth that had kept her hope alive died instantly.

Rey peered up at him through swollen, red-rimmed eyes from where she lay in the middle of her cell. In the same cold spot on the floor where she’d fallen when he left her yesterday. Maybe she should have prepared for his arrival…maybe she should have showered and tied her hair into its usual buns…maybe she should have pretended like her spirit wasn’t already broken. But it was. _She_ was. And right now she didn’t care that he saw her for what she was: a filthy scavenger that might as well be dead already.

It took most of her strength to push herself up off the floor and onto her feet, and even then she swayed dangerously back and forth, willing herself not to collapse. _When is the last time I ate?_ _Or slept?_ Brushing off the thoughts as trivial, she steadied herself as best she could and then examined the man that stood silently before her.

Kylo Ren was truly terrifying. His eyes were red and puffy – not unlike her own – but he showed no other signs that he’d been crying. His mouth was set in a rigid line, his clenched jaw muscle twitching. His body was stiff and intimidating, towering over her and making her feel pathetically small and powerless. But the most terrifying aspect was his silence…not just in the way he breathed without making a sound or refused to speak a word, but in the silence that haunted his side of the Force bond. There was nothing…no emotions, no chaotic mess of conflicted feelings…just nothing. Rey realized that he must have closed the Force bond off on his end, just like she had done to him during the months of their separation. No matter how mad he’d been at her, he had never once closed off his side of the bond. Yet now…nothing. The quiet was unnerving, and Rey had to force herself to ignore it and instead focus on keeping her feeble body upright.

Two stormtroopers filed through the doorway and side-stepped Kylo, approaching Rey with blasters trained on her chest. Kylo’s clenched fist shot out, angrily signaling for them to fall back. After a quick, confused glance at each other, the troopers backed off and waited by the doorway, blasters still locked onto their target. Kylo’s eyes followed suit, refusing to break their deadly showdown with Rey’s face as he pushed his cloak aside and extracted a pair of restraints from the back of his belt. From the corner of her eye, Rey spotted something…incredible. She did a double take, glancing down at his belt, but his cloak had already settled back into place to hide its many secrets. But unless she was mistaken, she had seen _two_ lightsabers, side-by-side, hooked to his belt. His own, of course, and… _hers_.

As the seconds ticked by and she processed the information, she became more and more confident in what she’d seen. She’d had her saberstaff with her when she was captured by the First Order, so of course Kylo would have taken it as some sort of prize. And when she reached out through the Force, she could feel its distinct Force signature calling to her. _Yes, that’s mine_.

She glanced quickly up at Kylo, but he was preoccupied with securing the handcuffs to her wrists; he was clearly oblivious to her discovery, and that could only work to her benefit. For the first time in over 24 hours, Rey allowed the tiniest iota of hope to bloom in the back of her mind. She didn’t know why, but having her lightsaber close by was a small comfort in an otherwise hopeless situation.

Before she knew it the cuffs were secured on her wrists and Kylo was dragging her by the arm out of her cell and down the corridor in the direction of the elevator. Rey glanced down at her restraints and realized that they weren’t the same ones as before: these were bulkier and equipped with some type of strange mechanical attachments. Instinctively and without considering the consequences, Rey concentrated on the Force and attempted to unlock the restraints, as she’d seen Kylo do so many times. But they didn’t budge. Thinking back on it, Kylo had secured the cuffs manually, without using the Force. With a sinking feeling in her gut, Rey realized that these restraints must have some property that prevented the Force from acting on them. If she wasn’t so disappointed by the new information, she would have been impressed by the technology. But, given the situation, she didn’t have long to dwell on how many portions Unkar Plutt would have shelled out for such a masterful piece of machinery. Instead, she allowed Kylo to drag her into the elevator in silence.

When the elevator doors opened on the correct floor, Kylo grabbed her upper arm once again, more tightly this time, and yanked her into the hallway. Rey winced in pain and shock at the force he’d used, and Kylo immediately loosened his grip.

_Why?_ Rey wondered, confused as to what could possibly compel him to treat her with anything less than cruelty at this point. _He wants me dead…he’s made that clear._ _So why avoid hurting me?_ Rey studied his face while they walked, trying to discern anything that might explain his behavior, but his face was a blank canvas and his eyes were hollow, almost dead. _Is it possible that he’s still conflicted?_ she wondered silently. Despite her serious doubts, she decided to prod him for more information. She didn’t exactly have a lot to lose…

“Ben?” Rey whispered, still looking up at him as he pulled her into yet another elevator.

Their accompanying guard of stormtroopers made to join them, but Kylo waved them off and the doors closed swiftly, trapping the two of them alone in the spacious elevator. Rey turned to face him, demanding his attention, but Kylo simply stared straight ahead, eyes burning holes into a spot on the opposite wall far above her eye line.

“Ben,” she repeated, more forcefully this time. But she might as well have been talking to the wall. Swallowing her pride and accessing her desperation, Rey started bargaining with the only currency she still possessed. “Please, Ben,” she said, stepped closer to him until their bodies were lightly pressed together. “There’s still time to make things right. We can still be together.” Tears welled up in her eyes, but who they were for she didn’t know. “I told you before, just let Finn go. Throw him on an escape pod; drop him off in the Outer Rim; I don’t care. But let him go. And then I’ll do whatever you want. I swear it to you. Please, Ben.”

Her words finally must have had an effect on him; keeping his eyes trained on the wall, he responded in a low, even voice: “Let him go? So that the first chance you get you can sneak away and find him? I don’t think so.”

“I wouldn’t, Ben! I would stay with y─”

“Why? Why would you stay?” His eyes turned downwards and met hers for the first time since they’d left her cell. They were black and turbulent, demanding things that Rey couldn’t give him. But she had to at least try…

“Because…because I…I love you too.” She didn’t know if the words were true, and to be honest she didn’t really want to know. But _she_ didn’t need to believe the words… _he_ did.

“Now is a convenient time to figure that out,” he stated plainly.

“I wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t true.” _Wouldn’t I?_

His eyes searched hers for a long, painful moment. Dark chaos meeting light desperation. But the door to the elevator swung open suddenly, interrupting the heavy moment. And with the open door came clarity in the Supreme Leader’s eyes. When he spoke, all of the air escaped from Rey’s lungs and was replaced by his painfully honest words.

“I’ve loved you for a long time, Rey. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I realize it now. And maybe there was a time when you loved me…maybe. But seeing through you is like looking through glass. I know how you feel about me. I know you’ll never forgive me for what I’ve done. I know you’re using me to save yourself…to save FN-2187.” He paused, staring down into her face and surely absorbing the look of shock painted there. “My whole life I’ve been used…by my parents, by Luke, by Snoke. And now I know that you’re just like them.”

By the time he finished speaking Rey’s mouth hung open, and she was left desolate and deflated. The truth was too excruciating to bear, and even worse than that was the small doubt that argued that it wasn’t the whole truth…that she really did love him and want to be with him. Her heartbreak poured out of her as thick, hot teardrops on her burning cheeks.

Sighing and turning his eyes to the elevator’s doorway, Kylo grabbed Rey’s arm and dragged her out into the empty corridor beyond.

From there it was a short walk to the execution chamber. When they arrived, Rey was surprised at how cramped the space was. Multiple cameras were set up along the walls, each directed to a small platform in the center of the room. A handful of stormtroopers stood at attention near the blast doors, and a single officer stood in front of the execution platform. Kylo led her straight towards the officer, who sneered when they approached, looking much too pleased for a man about to witness an execution.

“Supreme Leader Ren.” The tall, orange-haired man nodded at Kylo, though Rey sensed more than a little hostility beneath the man’s carefully crafted deference.

“Hux,” Kylo responded curtly. “Where is the other prisoner?”

“He should be arriving momentarily.” Even as Hux spoke, footsteps echoed down the hallway and two additional troopers stormed in, dragging their prisoner behind them.

“Finn!” Rey shouted, taking off towards her best friend but being immediately pulled backwards by Kylo’s rough hand on her loose clothing.

“Rey!” Finn made the same mistake, running in her direction and then quickly facing the wrath of his guards. One of them restrained him while the other shoved the butt of his blaster into Finn’s stomach. The prisoner grunted and doubled over, wheezing to catch his breath.

Rey’s heart sank as she realized that he had been treated just as poorly as Poe and Chewie. And when the stormtroopers yanked him to the center of the room and threw him down at her feet, Rey could see with even more clarity what he’d been through. His mouth and jaw were swollen and inflamed, stemming from the huge gash that split his lip and oozed with infection. Worse than his lip was the wound near his temple that was caked with dried blood and could only have been caused by a savagely powerful blow. And when Finn struggled back to his feet, Rey could tell that he had plenty of wounds either hidden by his clothing or derived from internal damage. A single, fresh tear cascaded down her cheek; Finn didn’t deserve this, and yet she hadn’t been able to save him.

“Are you okay, Rey?” he asked her between labored breaths.

“I’m okay, what about you?” she responded, fixing his mangled face with a concerned look.

“Fine, fine. Honestly,” he added when she continued to look doubtful.

“What did they _do_ to you?” Rey breathed, still struck by the horror that was his marred face.

“Don’t worry about it, Rey. I’m just glad to see you again.” His words were accompanied by a smile that – despite the gash in his lip – melted Rey’s heart. She was reminded of the time he’d rescued her on Starkiller Base…when he’d waltzed into the enemy’s den just to save her.

“Finn, I─” she stared, but their conversation was cut short when the stiff officer – Hux, Kylo had called him – began barking orders at the few stormtroopers that remained in the room.

All at once the troopers sprang into action, shutting the blast doors, activating the cameras and adjusting dials, and finally returning to their designated positions to stand guard. Rey made a mental inventory of the room’s occupants: four troopers at the blast doors, each armed with blasters; two troopers on the opposite wall with glowing laser axes; Hux with a small blaster pistol on his belt; and then Kylo, with _two_ lightsabers.

She just needed to get her hands on her saberstaff…but how? Surely Kylo wouldn’t simply let her summon it to her hand…he’d be keeping an eye on her and expecting some act of rebellion. Her brainstorming was swiftly interrupted by General Hux’s booming voice ringing out through the tight room and echoing off of the walls. He had made his way onto the execution platform, and stared out at the cameras as he spoke. Rey’s heart sank into her stomach when she realized that their execution ceremony was beginning. Unless she acted quickly, her remaining life would be measured not in months or years, but in minutes.

Glancing at Finn, Rey saw him glaring up at Hux with a look of pure loathing on his face. She had never seen him look at anyone that way, and it was more than a little unsettling.

Stealing a sideways glance at Kylo, Rey was frightened to see that he was looking directly at her. His black eyes swam with emotion so heavy it made her heart flutter. He flushed a bright shade of pink and looked away, clearing his throat and refocusing his attention on Hux. _What the hell?_ But now was no time to ponder Kylo Ren’s emotional turbulence. She had already offered herself up on a silver platter for him, and yet he had refused. The last thing she was going to do was worry about him. _No way._ Now was the time for action. She just had to figure out a plan…

As she racked her brain for plausible escape options, some of Hux’s words drifted down to her from his pre-execution speech: traitors…scum…rebels…eradication…justice. _If this is justice then let me die,_ Rey thought indignantly. But her indignation was quickly fading…she wasn’t any closer to devising an escape plan than she had been when she walked in the room, and Hux’s speech surely couldn’t last too much longer…

And then she remembered.

“Finn!” she shouted at him in a hushed whisper, nudging his side with her elbow and turning to look into those big brown eyes of his.

“What is it, Rey?” he asked nervously, whispering as she had so they wouldn’t attract attention.

“I…I saw…” Rey began, but had to pause when the words refused to budge from where they’d suddenly lodged in her throat. Swallowing hard and trying not to cry, she said, “I saw Poe before he…before. He wanted me to give you a message.”

Finn stared at her with eyes so wide and so sad that they nearly broke her heart in two. But she had to tell him…she couldn’t risk not telling him now, as it very well could be her last chance.

“He missed you, Finn. He said that the day you rescued him was the luckiest day of his life. And…” Rey breathed deeply, restraining her emotions and putting every ounce of her willpower into staying strong for Finn, “…and he was sorry he couldn’t save you in return.”

Finn stared at her, mouth slightly agape and eyes brimming with tears.

“Is he really dead, Rey?”

The question was too much. A body-wracking sob burst forth from her chest and she surrendered to the grief that had haunted her for far too long. Her reaction was enough confirmation for Finn, who buried his face in his hands and let his own tears spill over. Their outburst didn’t go unnoticed, and at once Rey felt the large, gloved hands that had become disturbingly familiar grab her arms and start dragging her to the raised platform.

Kylo was shouting commands at Hux, who seemed thoroughly displeased at having his speech interrupted. But despite his frustration, the tall general stepped back and allowed Kylo to heave Rey onto the stage. She was thrown roughly down onto her knees, followed shortly by Finn, who had been hauled over by the two execution troopers. Now the executioners stood directly behind Rey and Finn, laser axes gripped firmly in their hands, waiting for their command. A command that never came. Instead, Kylo stepped up and waved them away.

“Ren, what are you─?” Hux began in an urgent and annoyed tone, but Kylo didn’t let him finish his sentence.

“This is personal,” he growled. No other explanation was given, but Hux stepped back, seemingly satisfied.

Bile rose in Rey’s throat. _Ben, no. Please don’t do this_. She hurtled the words to him down the Force bond, but they were greeted with static at the other end. He was still closing off the bond. Still silence.

Kylo moved to stand next to Finn. Rey tried to meet his gaze, but he refused to even glance in her direction. His eyes were transfixed on Finn, and they blazed with hatred and resentment.

“Ben, please stop,” she pleaded, out loud this time. He ignored her, gritting his teeth and exhaling sharply through his nose.

“I love you, Rey.” This time the words came from Finn, who was kneeling on the ground and looking up at Rey with tears in his eyes and heartbreak etched into his face.

Rey opened her mouth, wanting desperately to return her best friend’s words, but being terrified of the consequences. Kylo stood above him, visibly shaking with rage at the ex-stormtrooper’s sentiment. And then the Supreme Leader’s eyes flicked up to meet Rey’s for a fraction of a second that might as well have been an eternity. Unspoken anguish passed between their eyes, melding them together and then tearing them apart, again and again for eons within a single moment. Between the surges of agony, Rey could sense his resolution. She shuddered, realizing that Finn was really about to die.

Now Kylo was reaching for his saber, unclipping it from his belt. And there is was again: her saberstaff. Dangling casually from his belt like a trophy. Then an idea hit her.

Kylo ignited his hilted lightsaber and raised it above his head, preparing to strike Finn down with a single, fatal stroke. The saber cast a terrifying red glow on Finn’s face, and Kylo’s face was fittingly darkened in shadow.

The events that followed happened so quickly that Rey barely had time to register them. Instinctively, she reached out with the Force and unlocked Finn’s restraints, which foolishly hadn’t been equipped with the same advancements that hers had. For a fraction of a second Finn had hesitated in silent shock, confused and startled by his free hands. But he regained his senses just in time: as Kylo’s crackling blade began its downward descent, Finn hurled himself at his executioner and slammed the larger man backwards. Both men tumbled off of the stage and down a solid four feet to the unforgiving ground; Finn landed on top of Kylo, whose head hit the floor with a dull thud. For a long moment, time seemed frozen still as Rey, Hux and the six trooper guards processed what was happening.

And then everything erupted into chaos. Hux reached for his blaster pistol and aimed it at Finn, who was still struggling to his feet, dazed by the turn of events. Kylo lay motionless on the ground, knocked out cold from the fall. Rey summoned her saberstaff from his belt and snatched it out of the air, holding it awkwardly in her still-restrained hands. Before Hux’s finger could even locate the trigger of his pistol, Rey was igniting the brilliant twin blue blades of her saber and slashing at his outstretched arm. The general’s blaster clattered to the floor, still gripped tightly in his hand, blood showering down on it from the gaping wound that now formed the end of his arm. Hux didn’t have time to register the savage dismemberment before Rey was swiping up with her saber, slashing upwards through his thigh and stopping only when the blade was lodged firmly in his stomach. Rey twisted the blade violently, wrenching it from his gut and watching as Hux sank to the floor, blood and viscera pouring forth from his butchered lower body and puddling around him. Only when his mouth sagged into a haunting grimace and his eyes widened in shock did his face match the horror that his body displayed.

A hot blaster bolt whizzed past Rey’s ear; she turned around to see the four stormtroopers that had been stationed by the blast doors now rushing her, blasters aimed and dangerous. She deflected the next round of fire, successfully sending two of the bolts back in their original direction, leveling half of her opponents in a matter of seconds. Now the remaining two troopers were upon her, tossing their blasters away in favor of the hulking Z6 batons that had been tethered to their belts. Rey spared a quick glance at Finn, who had managed to hijack Hux’s blaster pistol and was now firing at the execution troopers, keeping them and their menacing laser axes at bay. Deciding that Finn could handle himself, Rey turned her attention back to her own attackers and immediately had to dodge to the side, just barely missing a fierce blow to the head. She tucked her body and rolled back into a fighting stance, lashing out at the nearest trooper, who wasn’t nearly as quick. Her blade removed the guard’s head effortlessly, and she wasted no time watching the decapitated head roll across the floor, encased in a helmet that had proved worthless in the ultimate moment of need.

Another sideways glance at Finn was enough to exacerbate Rey’s heart into a state of sheer panic. One trooper was tossed aside, white armor riddled with holes and burn marks, but the other trooper was toe-to-toe with Finn. Their fight had devolved into fisticuffs, both individuals punching and striking out at each other with flailing limbs. Whatever emotions Rey may have been feeling only minutes before were non-existent. The only thing that mattered to her now was finishing off her final opponent and then saving Finn from his sparring match with an armored combatant.

Ducking and twirling away from her rival’s latest strike, Rey connected her saberstaff with the baton, putting upward pressure on the weapon before unexpectedly arcing the twin blade up and over her head, bringing it down on the top of the trooper’s helmet. Blue blade met white armor, slicing through helmet and head alike as easily as a sharp knife through rotted fruit. Panting with the physical and mental exertion, Rey turned towards Finn and realized with horror that he was seconds from death. The final trooper was on top of him, pounding his already bloodied face with armored fists and refusing to relent. Rey heard the soft crunch of bone and prayed to the Force that it was his jaw or his cheek, not his skull. Throwing her arms out in their direction, Rey channeled the Force through her outstretched palms and blasted the unwitting executioner into the far wall. The force of the impact was so great that it dented the metal wall and the trooper collapsed to the ground, lifeless.

Finn sat up, squinting through blood-splattered lashes for his savior. When his eyes locked onto Rey’s, he exhaled slowly and closed his eyes, hardly daring to believe that they had both survived the ordeal.

“Help me with this,” she mumbled, tossing him her saberstaff and holding out her hands towards him. Slowly and cautiously Finn sliced through the restraints that still bound her wrists. The metal scraps fell to the floor and Rey rubbed her wrists, thanking Finn and snatching her saber back from him. But Rey’s attention quickly turned to the immense figure still sprawled out on the floor. _Ben._

Hastily clipping her deactivated saber to her belt, Rey began tiptoeing towards the man that had brought her here. Towards the man that had caused all of this. Kylo Ren. Finn rose to his feet shakily and moved to join her, but they both stopped dead in their tracks. The Supreme Leader stirred, moaning softly before his eyes fluttered open. His gaze immediately fell on Rey, who stood, frozen still, a few yards away.

At first he seemed confused, but his eyes narrowed and his expression hardened as he slowly surveyed the room, taking in the destruction. When his gaze finally landed on Finn, bloodied and battered and leaning against one of the cameras for support, Kylo’s growing anger evolved into murderous rage. Ignoring the blood seeping from the wound on the back of his head, Kylo sprang to his feet and bounded at Finn, summoning his lightsaber from the floor and preparing to slice the ex-stormtrooper into pieces.

Rey sprinted across the room and threw her body between Finn and Kylo, using her own lightsaber to hold the larger man at bay. Kylo was forced to stop abruptly, nearly losing his balance in the process, in order to avoid running himself through with her saberstaff.

“Move,” he growled, his voice dangerously low and threatening. When his eyes locked onto hers they were half-pleading, half-demanding.

“No.”

“Move.”

“Come with us, Ben.” Rey had no idea where _that_ came from. She thought she’d given up on him, but apparently her subconscious wasn’t through with him yet. It hurt her – nearly killed her – that she cared as much as she did. He had been a fraction of a second away from murdering Finn, and yet…

Kylo’s eyes flicked over to Finn before resettling on Rey’s face. She could sense the conflict in him…even without the help of the Force bond she knew that he was debating her offer.

“We have to go now,” she added, hoping to pressure him into making the decision that she desperately wanted him to. That, and the fact that surely any second now a squad of stormtroopers would come racing into the room to remedy the botched execution.

She noticed that Kylo had started shaking again, though his face didn’t look angry anymore. Instead his expression was pained and his eyes bled with grief.

“Rey,” Finn croaked from behind her, reaching out to place his hand on her shoulder. “We need to get out of here.” His gesture was warm and well-intentioned, but the damage it caused was beyond anything Finn could have imagined.

After a brief glance down at the comforting hand on her shoulder, Rey’s eyes slowly made their way back to Kylo’s face. What she saw there didn’t surprise her, but it did terrify her. He was glaring at Finn’s hand as if staring hard enough would cause it to shrivel up and fall off. The tiny muscle under his eye was twitching, betraying the rage he was most definitely experiencing. His hand gripped his lightsaber tighter, leather gloves creaking and straining against the metal hilt.

Panic swelled in Rey’s chest, nearly sending her into hysterics. She needed to get this situation under control before the only two living men in this galaxy that she cared about destroyed each other.

“Ben, calm down. Please. If we go now we can still escape. Come on,” she pleaded in what she hoped was a soothing tone. Exaggeratedly slowly, she took a minuscule, anxious step towards him.

But that step was cut short by spine-chilling laughter that erupted from the mouth of the man towering over her. Eyes still glued to Finn, his voice was detached and hollow as he said with eerie simplicity, “no.”

There was no question in his answer, no uncertainty. Waves of ice cold death rolled off of him as his resolution solidified. Without warning his empty hand shot out and Rey felt herself being yanked to the side by the Force. And then she watched with wide eyes and terror in her heart as Kylo advanced on Finn.


	21. Emptiness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter! Somehow it feels like I just started this fic yesterday...
> 
> I was planning on writing some long, (probably) boring note about why I wrote this story and what it means to me. But now that it’s finished I think I’ll just let it speak for itself. All I’ll say is that Kylo and Rey have been learning a tough lesson than many of us have already learned: love is fucking hard (no pun intended…okay, some pun intended). And not all love stories have a happy ending. But I’ll let you be the judge of that.
> 
> Enjoy <3

“NO!” Rey bellowed, countering Kylo’s use of the Force and effectively halting her backwards trajectory. Finn was stumbling backwards into the wall, hands over his head, waiting for the blow to hit. Fear unlike any Rey had ever known coursed through her veins, charging her strength until her fingertips were vibrating with untapped energy. She focused that energy in Kylo’s direction just in the nick of time. He was ripped from his course and hurled towards the far wall and─

He was back on the ground, somersaulting into a fighting stance and twirling his saber for dramatic effect. Rey was torn between admiration for his mastery of the Force and dread for Finn, for herself, and for Kylo.

But time doesn’t pause for feelings. All of her emotions were forgotten as Rey lunged back towards Finn, who had picked up a discarded laser axe and was holding it at the ready, prepared to fend off Kylo as he bounded in for a second attack. Rey just managed to block Kylo’s blow, and this time she rooted herself with the Force, determined not to be thrown around again by her opponent.

“Get out of my way, Rey,” Kylo growled angrily. “I don’t want to go through you.”

“You don’t have to,” Rey begged, desperate for him to understand the gravity of the situation. She was _not_ going to let Finn die. Should would defend him by whatever means necessary. _Why doesn’t he get that?!_

“Stop defending him!” he screamed, now truly wild with hatred. His saber came down on Rey’s, attempting to distract her while he shoved her out of the way once again. But this time Rey wasn’t going anywhere: she countered his Force push and stood her ground, stabbing forward with her saber until─

Everything stopped.

Rey froze.

Finn gaped.

Kylo looked down with eyes that grew wider and wider by the second. He opened his mouth and let out a strained sigh. Blue light distorted his confused face and glistened off of his wet eyes. His own hilted saber clattered to the floor.

Rey’s eyes darted back and forth between the face of the man she hated (or loved) and the glowing blue blade lodged in his stomach. She couldn’t reconcile the two images. _How? Did I-? Oh no._

She deactivated the saber and watched as the blade disappeared and in its place was a hole.

A fucking hole.

Kylo stumbled to his knees, shaking and still staring down at the gaping _fucking_ _hole_ in his gut. He fumbled at his shirt with a gloved hand, fingering the edges of the wound as if trying to comprehend what had just happened. And then he tilted his head back and met Rey’s gaze, his eyes swimming with tears and begging for help.

Rey simply stared back with an equal expression of horror. _What have I done?_ She dropped to her knees in front of him, covering his hand with hers and using it to stem the steady flow of blood now trickling from his wound.

“Ben, I…” she started, but had no idea how to finish that sentence. What words were there? She watched the bloody parade marching from his stomach, now unhindered by their blood-soaked hands and spreading outwards, staining his black clothing a sickly shade of purple. When she managed to tear her eyes away from his belly, she found that Kylo was still staring at her, eyes boring into her own. She saw her own terror mirrored there, but she also saw something softer. Her breath hitched in her throat – she recognized this look from the other day in her bed when he’d told her…when he’d said…the thought was too painful to finish.

“Rey,” he breathed, his voice gravelly and strained, “don’t leave me.”

Tears filled her eyes, blurring her vision and falling freely down her cheeks.

“I’m not going anywhere.” But even as she said it she felt a soft hand on her shoulder, asking for attention that she wasn’t willing to spare.

“We need to get out of here,” Finn said, quietly yet urgent. This time Kylo didn’t even seem to notice Finn’s presence; his eyes were locked on Rey like a lifeline…like she was the only thing holding him to this life. Rey shuddered at the fact that it might just be true.

“We have to help him,” she cried to Finn, though her eyes never left Kylo.

“Rey.” Finn’s voice was thick with pity while still demanding action.

Kylo started leaning backwards and Rey wrapped her arms around him, softening his descent to a horizontal position. When his head was safely on the ground she adjusted herself so that she knelt next to him, staring straight down into his face.

“Rey!” Finn said, more urgently this time. He tugged at her shoulder, trying to get her to stand.

“I can’t leave him!”

“There isn’t time! We’re lucky enough that stormtroopers haven’t already knocked down the door. Let’s not stretch that luck,” he explained, still trying to pull Rey to her feet.

“Finn, please!” The hysteria in her voice must have gotten to him because he stopped tugging her upwards, though his hand didn’t leave her arm. “I’m sorry, Ben,” she sobbed, letting go of his hand and moving hers to his face. She stroked the scar on his cheek with the pad of her thumb, leaving a trail of his own blood wherever her fingers went. “I’m so sorry.”

“Stop it, stop!” Kylo was trying to yell, but his voice was so soft that Rey had to lower her ear to his mouth to decipher the words. His breath was hot against her neck, sending shivers down her spine. “I’m the one that should be sorry. I’m sorry…I’m sorry.” He began repeating the words again and again, and Rey had the sinking feeling that he was becoming delirious.

Straightening up, Rey looked back down into his face, shaking her head and pressing her blood-covered fingers to his lips. His face was ghostly pale against the crimson streaks on his skin.

Suddenly the room went dark. Seconds later, red emergency lights flooded the room and sirens blared in the distance. Finn let fly a stream of expletives and then tugged on Rey’s arm, trying to force her away from the dying man on the floor.

Panic swirled in her chest; she was terrified to stay and even more terrified to leave. She grabbed Kylo’s hand and the two of them clung together, desperate and needy, while Rey vainly willed time to stop moving so damn quickly.

“Rey! Come on! Leave him!” Finn was yelling at her but she barely heard the words. She was lost in those deep, tragic eyes that were getting darker with each passing moment. And then her blood-slicked fingers were losing grip on Kylo’s hand…slipping through his fingers until suddenly they were two separate entities rather than one connected being.

Now Finn was wrapping his arms around her mid-section and hoisting her towards the blast doors. Dread clawed at her stomach and darkened the edges of her vision. She was screaming and crying and struggling to get back to _him_. She no longer cared what had happened between them. She just knew that she needed to save him. She couldn’t leave him. _No, no, no, no, no._ But Finn was stronger than her and they were nearing the door, almost out of his sight forever.

Kylo’s head swiveled until his ear was flat against the floor, eyes not daring to look away from Rey for even a single moment. His eyes reached out to her, tugging at her heart and spilling all of the secrets that he had held so close to his own. But those eyes were narrowing, eyelids inching closer together as Rey got farther and farther away.

His lips were moving, forming a word that looked eerily similar to her name, but Rey couldn’t resist Finn’s strength. Then Kylo’s eyes closed completely and his body went limp. Rey was calling out his name, screaming at his motionless figure on the floor.

“He’s gone, Rey. We have to go!” Finn’s words broke through the glass box that had been surrounding and suffocating Rey. The urgency of his message hit her, and all at once she remembered how dire their situation was. Life flooded back to her in a frenzy of flashing lights, deafening sirens and the burdensome weight of impending mortality. Stormtroopers would be flooding into this part of the ship any minute now, and they wouldn’t hesitate to shoot on sight.

“Let go, let go!” she screamed at Finn, struggling out of his grip and meeting his gaze, silently affirming that she wasn’t going to fight him anymore. He nodded and grabbed her hand, taking off at a sprint out of the door and down the hallway.

Rey spared one final glance at Kylo’s body on the far side of the room, bloody and lifeless, before sealing her heartbreak away and allowing herself to be dragged out of the room by Finn.

Hand-in-hand, the pair fled down corridor after corridor, praying to the Force that they didn’t run into unwanted guests. They could hear shouting voices and boots running down passageways in the distance, but Rey did her best to drown out her fear and focus instead on the steady warmth of Finn’s hand, clasped tightly in her own. He led the way of course, as he knew the quickest route to the nearest hangar in a traditional Star Destroyer. And luckily for them, the _Finalizer_ was no different than the myriad of ships that Finn had been assigned to clean for most of his life.

In all the panic and confusion of alarms ringing and lights flashing in the corridors, Rey and Finn managed to sneak past a collection of stormtroopers keeping guard outside of the hangar. They made their way into the vast chamber, dodging behind ships and crates to avoid detection by the stormtroopers sweeping the hangar and looking for the fugitives.

“Over there!” Finn called to her as they dove behind a fueling tank to evade yet another passing trooper. Rey looked at the massive Special Forces TIE fighter he had indicated.

“Are you sure that will get us out of here?” she asked, hesitant to trust any of the First Order ships.

Finn shot her with an amused look as he said, “Trust me, it’ll do the job.”

Rey’s heart bubbled at the half-smile on his lips – it was bizarrely out of place yet intensely comforting. She realized that he must be thinking of the day he met Poe, when they’d escaped from this very Star Destroyer and crash landed on Jakku. Sorrow crept back into her chest, but she locked that away too. In fact she had locked away every emotion she’d experienced since leaving the execution chamber…and she wasn’t looking forward to re-opening those wounds. But now wasn’t the time to dwell on it. Nodding to Finn and ignoring the swarm of emotions pounding at her rib cage to get out, she took off towards the TIE fighter.

In less than a minute they were sliding into their seats – Rey in the pilot’s and Finn in the gunner’s chair – and preparing the fighter for departure. Finn wasted no time finding his bearings in the gunner’s seat; before Rey knew it explosions were ripping apart the ground, walls and ships around them. Finn cackled behind her, clearly high from their escape and thoroughly enjoying the destructive power.

“So much for not drawing attention to ourselves,” Rey murmured under her breath. But within seconds she had the TIE fighter prepped and soaring out of the hangar and away from the burning chaos. When she switched the lever that took them hurtling into hyperspace, she sank backwards into her seat and allowed herself to breathe deeply for the first time in… _how long has it been?_

“Damn,” Finn exclaimed plainly, scooting back from the gunner controls and pivoting around in his seat to look at Rey. “That was…”

He shook his head and started laughing, softly at first but it grew louder and louder. Rey couldn’t help the grin that grew on her face until her cheeks ached. Maybe she was crazy, but who could blame her? She had just escaped from certain death…from… _him_.

The smile died on her lips as quickly as it had come. _Kylo. Ben_. He was gone, and she had been the one to deliver the final blow. Despite the relative safety of hyperspace, and despite Finn’s beautiful, soothing laughter echoing through the cockpit, her heartbeat quickened and tears sprang to her eyes.

“Rey?” Finn asked in response to her silence, “You okay?” There was a gentle, reassuring quality to his voice, but it didn’t come close to easing the weight on Rey’s conscience.

“Yeah, sorry. I’m fine.” But she wasn’t.

 

Three hours later they were sitting in the cockpit of an old YV-100 light freighter, preparing to take off from the docking bay of some city – Mos Eisley, Rey thought it was called – on Tatooine. The freighter had certainly seen better days and it wasn’t worth half the TIE fighter they’d traded for it, but Rey and Finn were counting themselves lucky that no one gave their obviously stolen First Order fighter a second glance.

 

In no time they were back in hyperspace, hurtling along the blindingly bright blue channel that would deliver them halfway across the galaxy. They had no idea where the remains of the Resistance would be, but they had to start somewhere. And Takodana seemed as good a starting place as any. Rey’s heart lifted at the thought of seeing Maz again.

“Let’s get you to bed,” Finn said, breaking her out of her dazed reverie. With her head propped up in her hands and her eyes half closed, she was unsurprised at the look of concern on her best friend’s face.

“Bed?” she mumbled sleepily. Could she really do something so _normal_ as going to bed? The concept seemed foreign to her.

“Yes, bed,” Finn chuckled, grabbing her arm and gently lifting her out of her seat. With one arm around her waist and the other holding her hand, Finn led her to the crew’s quarters at the back of the freighter. The bed was small but comfortable, and Rey was thankful that it smelled nothing like her lumpy cot on the _Finalizer_. Finn tucked a few blankets snugly around her body and sat down on the edge of the bed, staring at his own hands and looking hesitant to say something. Rey resisted the overwhelming need for sleep, instead focusing on whatever Finn had to tell her.

“Rey,” he finally began, looking like he might be sick, “I…I don’t know what…erm…what happened back there with…with…you know…”

And Rey did know exactly who he was referring to. Of course he had questions; he had just seen her lose her shit over a man he thought was universally hated. _Not so universal, it seems._

“I can explain, Finn,” Rey started, tears already blurring her vision and rolling down her cheeks.

“You don’t have to,” he whispered, cutting off her explanation and grabbing one of her hands in both of his. They were wonderfully warm and tender, and his eyes reflected the same warmth. “I don’t care what happened back there. We thought we were going to die…we almost _did_ die. And I know things between you two were already complicated. We’ve all done things out of desperation, and I would never hold anything like that against you. Ever,” he added, squeezing her hand softly.

Relief and gratitude swept over Rey as she processed his words, realizing that she would never have to defend her actions to him. Affection for her best friend flooded her heart and she couldn’t help but smile weakly up at him.

All the while she ignored the gnawing guilt that reminded her that she hadn’t acted out of desperation, but out of an entirely different – and much more unsettling – emotion.

“Thank you, Finn.” That didn’t scratch the surface of what she wanted to tell him, but it would have to do for now. She was slowly losing her grip on consciousness, and her thoughts were becoming more and more difficult to arrange into coherent sentences.

“And Rey,” he said with sobering sincerity, “I’m sorry. Whatever fucked up connection you two shared…I’m…I’m just sorry.” He exhaled, glad to have that heavy sentiment off of his chest. “You’re the reason that we’re both still alive─” (Rey laughed internally, thinking that he had the facts backwards) “─and...and I’m really happy to be here with you.”

Rey smiled – it was literally all she could do at this point. And when she blinked she found that she could no longer open her eyes back up. Fatigue was overcoming her, and she couldn’t fight it off any longer.

Through a sleepy haze she felt Finn hop off the bed and lean down to press his lips softly against her forehead. They were soft and warm, and when he pulled away she heard the faint whisper of _I love you_. The words echoed inside her chest, making her heart swell and her insides feel fuzzy. Maybe they didn’t know what the future held for them, but Rey took comfort in the fact that he would be by her side.

And then Finn was gone, and Rey was teetering between sleep and wakefulness, her thoughts flitting to memories she didn’t want to remember.

An image of Kylo, drowning in his own blood and calling out to her, floated into her mind. His eyes penetrated her soul and pleaded for her to stay. But she hadn’t stayed…she had left him to face death alone.

In her state of sleepy delirium Rey reached out through the Force and prodded at their bond…the bond that she had detested for so long, until it was too late.

_Silence_.

There was nothing there. No Kylo. No Ben. Just silence.

Her heart bled. She allowed the emotions she had locked away to flood back into her body and overwhelm her with conflict. It was too much emotion to bear. Too much everything. Too much nothing.

Heartbroken, she drifted into the dark oblivion of sleep.

 

_Kylo Ren is laid flat on a table, surrounded by medical droids that poke and prod his unresponsive body. One of them fusses at a gaping wound in his stomach, cutting away the burned fabric and stemming the flow of blood. Another droid is shaving a patch of hair on the back of his head and stitching up a wound that lies underneath. The last two droids are monitoring his breathing, his heart rate, his blood pressure. But Kylo Ren remains unconscious on the table, ghostly pale and motionless, save the almost imperceptible rise-and-fall of his chest._

Rey’s eyes sprang open to a pitch black room. The air around her was deathly still and the silence was stifling. The only sound was the blood pounding incessantly her ears.

_It was just a dream_ , she assured herself, though her heart didn’t stop hammering in her chest. _It’s not real…I saw him die…he’s dead._

She forced herself to calm down with deep, steady breaths. But there was _something_ there. A prickling at the back of her mind. A faint heartbeat that wasn’t coming from her own chest. A mingled current of dread and excitement humming through her body. A tingling at the end of the bond. And then the soft, yet unmistakable sounds of breathing─

_Inhale,_

_Exhale_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don’t hate me for this ending…please! Because I cannot express in words how much I’ve enjoyed writing this and how much I’ve appreciated each and every single comment and kudos along the way. Who knows what might happen with our lovely space babes after all this madness… 
> 
> Now I release you all to go read a nice, fluffy (therapeutic) fic!
> 
> Oh and don’t hesitate to let me know if you loved it or hated it! :)


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